Hmm, I really don't know how to start this. . . I guess I'd like to say that right now things aren't going well for me, and I don't see them getting any better. (This is going to be a very long post, so please bear with me. I'm typing this at 4 AM in the morning, and I feel like I'm losing control of everything. . . )

I'm a Senior in high school starting in fall, and I hardly have any friends, much less a relationship. I believe I might be an Avoidant and a Dependent at the same time, which is conflicting because although I feel the need for attetion and affection, my shyness and fear of social rejection are too great for me to try talking. I guess that started way back in middle school, possibly elementary school when I was picked on and bullied for liking things other kids considered "geeky" or "nerdy." Plus, it's never helped that all my life I've been a student with a 4.0 grade average and I've always been better at most subjects than my peers. Also, I'm extremely close to my mother, looking up to her as a rolemodel over my inconsiderate, overweight and bossy father.

I feel awful a lot of times, even though I try to mask it in public and in front of my family, since whenever I have tried to come to them for comfort, they would pass off my problems as just something hormonal or some other excuse. I've never gone to therapy before, and I believe I could really use some.

A lot of times I feel socially inadequate when talking to others, feeling like my voice won't come out right or I'll say something without fully thinking it out first, making conversations awkward. Also, considering how few people in my area share similar hobbies as I do and many of them frown upon such interests, I feel hopeless in making conversation.

Although that would leave those who do have the same hobbies to look for, unfortunately there's also a problem with that, too. You see, I met someone, (we'll call her "Fox," ) who was very sociable and very friendly at the time. Fox seemed like a nice person, so I made friends with her and everything was fine. She invited me to a club where people of our interests could hang out and have fun, she introduced me to many of her friends, and I thought the friendship would work out. But then Fox didn't turn out to be such a great friend, as I would do nice things for her, but when I needed her, she never helped me once. I felt neglected and mistreated, but I continued the friendship anyway.

To make a long story short, the friendship ended poorly due to relationship problems causing our friendship to rip apart, and also causing me to lose tons of possible friends simply because they took her side of the story over mine, because they were her "friends," too. ("Friends" being a relative term, as most of them didn't realize or care about the fact she was manipulating them.) Sometimes Fox still bothers me like we're still friends, though, and I play along to appease her so she won't gossip to other people that I'm not nice, (which she's gossiped about me before several times.) So now I'm left only with the few people that can half tolerate or don't tolerate her, either. I try to be friends with them as well, but it seems we're just friendly acquaintances any way you look at it.

The only real friends I ever seem to have are online, but due to being born in a technophobic family, my parents refuse to accept my online friendships as true/real friendships. Plus, my parents refuse to let me date online, either, as I feel they've both watched one too many "Dateline" episodes and fear anyone I get in an online relationship with is atrociously not who they claim to be. I also really don't like where I live and hope to move away from this place, since my allergies are awful and the weather here is too hot for my tastes.

Overall, I'm hopelessly miserable and I can't stand where I am right now because I feel so lonely and uncared for. Also, my parents blame my Avoidancy for the fact that I don't have anyone to talk to or be friends with, which only deepens the hurting I feel. A lot of times I've lashed out at them for treating me like that, but usually it just leads to them taking away my electronic devices so I can't talk to my online friends for comfort, either. I've thought about suicide before, but as far as attempting I tried to choke myself once but chickened out because part of me tried to give me just a sliver of hope for a future. Nobody knows I've ever tried about it, and my parents accused me for lying when I told them I've thought about it.

I. . . honestly have no idea what to do anymore. I want to be able to talk to people, I want to be able to make friends. I've thought about maybe going back to the club where Fox goes and just try avoiding Fox in every way possible, but I know my parents would get upset if I did something like that. My parents are extremely controlling over my life, and sometimes I think they might be the reason why I'm in my current situation. (Ex: When I was younger, my mom told me to wait until people talked to me first; she told me that long, curly hair was beautiful even though I was teased, bullied, and outcasted for it in school; my Dad's been a HUGE negative, bullying jerk and if it weren't for the fact he earns our family money, my mom would've divorced him years ago. He's been a jerk even as I'm typing this right now, yelling at me and threatening me to take away electronics for staying up so late. He hasn't looked me in the face at all, otherwise he would see that I'm silently crying right now. )

Please. . . Any help or advice would be deeply appreciated. I don't know what to do anymore, since I can't seem to please my family and be happy at the same time. I wish I wasn't here right now. I wish I was older and on my own so maybe I could live a happy life away from my family instead of being trapped in this miserable cage of a home. TT^TT