((((Roaming)))) I lived for over 10 years of "when it rains it pours". I NEVER thought it would stop. It got so bad I was exhausted, and I finally gave up... almost. I sold everything and was living like a monk. Actually, I slept my way through most of it.

*Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop - living in constant fear - is not living It's absolutely horrible, and I don't wish it on anyone. But yes, it does (can) get better

Things have changed for me because I found a great T that Dx me properly and we are working on changing my thought process(es). AND with my T, I have one person in my life that I can trust and talk to and who has the tools to help me be feel OK.

I STILL have my moments, though. In fact, all the time, but I muddle my way though. The hurtful experiences or feelings and/or pain goes away quicker. I don't fall back into the depression - and suffering.

Improvement doesn't happen overnight, and I try to not be hard on myself. I actually repeat to myself over and over (I am safe and at peace and I can face anything that comes my way).

Oh my gosh, I make mistakes all the time, make a fool out of myself (I am sure) and bumble my way through life - but I'm doing it.

(An example, just this morning on the freeway, a huge rock (or something) hit my windshield, and I jumped out of my skin -I imagined the worst. My heart was pounding and I had to check myself in the mirror to make sure I wasn't bleeding )

But I got through it and made it to my destination (instead of turning around and going home and going back to sleep).

(*that is my daily goal. to get dressed and up. no matter how awful I think I feel).

Also, I removed myself from the negativity and toxic people in my life, so they cannot hurt me. at all anymore. I have to be wayyy too vulnerable to continue getting "better", and they'd be the first ones to try to sabotage it.

And people come into my life everyday that REMIND me of the toxic people (in some way) so I can work through it with my T (most of the time when I am super upset and anxious, I always blurt out, I know I've said it before but "this person reminds me soo much of my mother .... ugh. She is hideous")

Before, I would have thought I was being tortured with these "types" of people coming across my path...I had no TOOLS at all to deal with it/them. But with a lot of hard work, I am managing much better. I remember thinking to myself "WHY are these people so horrible? Why do they keep coming around? Is it me?!" I realized it was for a couple of reasons:

1. They are there to annoy the holy **** out of me to help me get better
2. The monsters of my past are not as powerful as I thought they were. And they too roam the earth. Not so unusual for them to be around. It's how I deal with them now that makes all the difference.

I know you are hurting right now. A lot. Please remember you are not alone and keep posting! Do your T and MD know what's going on right now?

((((Rose))))