I had my session yesterday. My T insists she is not changing everything but I know that my days of getting most of my childish needs met by her are over.
I even told her that she sounded like my former T!
Towards the end of the session she said "It's not taking me out of the equation; it's putting your "self" in there too!" She liked that quote (she made it up) so she wrote it out for me to take home.
She started by acknowledging my anger and then stating that I get too much involved in everything about her and the past, and it's not helping me. She said I'm looking at how I felt instead of how I feel in the present, now. She wants us to concentrate more on how I feel in my day to day life.
So, we made a few goals for therapy, to work on these issues:
1. improving my marriage
2. anxiety and separation problems (though that's improving)
3. getting me to not want therapy vs needing it
4. feelings of rejection
I'm not sure she wanted no. 3 but it still is my most important goal. I think if number 1 gets worked on it will help with 3.
I said I was confused. Does that mean we can't talk about the part who was so angry, and the part who hates the part who can't stop the pattern? She said, no she didn't mean that, so we did some IFS. This time, though, she asked where did that part learn to want the T to love her? I didn't like that question at all, but I talked about my first T and how I was so surprised when the transference started happening.
She wants me to make a list of qualities I like about my H.
I was feeling pretty depressed by the end of the session, and that's when she told me about the equation. She talked about my Self being there for the parts, and not her. My Self listening to the parts. That's where I get stuck.
In my email to her I told her that when she talks about what the Self is supposed to be, it sounds like she's talking in another language! I don't get it. So, I hope next week I can get a better understanding about what she means.
At the end of the session I asked for a hug and got it, and we walked out together.
I think she's changing a lot. She told me we're changing the focus. That's all. To me, it's like she's a different T now!
I don't think I want her to meet those needs now, so maybe it's working. I feel differently towards her. Maybe I'm seeing her more realistically. There are some things I don't like about her; I stopped idealizing/idolizing her!
At one point she asked if I want to be happier. I said "I don't know". In my email I wrote that it's going to be a VERY slow process for me to stop focusing on our relationship. Very slow. I wrote that it feels like we are starting over, and I can't do this. I've lived many years this way, focusing on people I didn't really "have". I have to grieve giving that up if I decide it's worth doing so. You'd think the answer is a no brainer, but it's not!! I have friends that I do have normal give and take with. Maybe that's not clear from my other thread. I think it's a combination of not having my mother and not having intimacy in my marriage that makes it so hard.
I would appreciate support in my struggles. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this.