How many of you have that feeling that you won't really be around for a long time? Like, I never felt like I would survive past 30 years old, which used to seem so old to me, and really didn't care if I did, either. Now I've been 29 for 5 years (no coincidence in my counting method - I know that some of you have noticed it before ). I read on one of the SI websites that many self-injurers just don't expect to still be alive 5 years down the road. That really rang a bell for me when I first saw it. I've just gotten a paper back from my health psychology class about life expectancy, and I had mentioned that I have already lived longer than I ever expected to. The comments I got on that statement have been giving me something to think about. That feeling is common enough that it has a name; it usually indicates trauma in your background (in fact, that was the first thing that my professor asked); and it stems from a lack of a sense of safety.

Well, I've been lost today thinking about that. She mentioned that it is an issue that can be addressed - but too bad I don't have a T to help with it anymore. And when I did tell him about that feeling he didn't seem to 'get it' anyway. I got my professors message this morning and tensed up into a little ball. Why? Especially since I am realizing that it must not be as much of an issue for me now as it once was. Maybe I'm on borrowed time, but I'm thinking more than 5 years in to the future, just in trying to get into a phd program that will take at least 5 years to complete, and I'm not going to get accepted anywhere this year, and I even suspect that I will probably survive another year and apply again. I'm a little worried about what I'm going to do now about being in limbo for a year. I am not going to like it when this semester ends. I can try to get my fiber business going again, at least for the summer. Then what?

Ok - that's probably enough rambling for now. Just had to try to spell it out and get it contained so that maybe it can get out of my head. Thanks for listening!

Wendy

<font color=orange>There is an easy answer to your problem that is neat, plausible, and wrong.

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