My Support Forums - View Single Post - Why do i bother?! I'm sick of all this!! I want out!! (could be triggering)

iamspecial · Jun 13, 2012, 04:36 PM

My oldest brother who is Gay Just had a Birthday, it was his Birthday on Monday 11th June....i didn't message him on facebook, i didn't text him or send him a card or anything because when it was my Birthday he didn't bother to message me or send me a card or anything and he know's i moved and don't live with my parents anymore but i do go home to visit because all my friends are where they are but on my Birthday i wasn't at my parents i was in my flat because of uni. Anyway....today my brother's boyfriend thought he would have ago at me even though i have enough people right now getting at me for being alive and having friends. With what he said near the end really got to me!! It's like he was saying that it's my fault why "God" as blessed me with loosing my family....like it is my fault why my Grandma died because i wasn't good enough as a child and need punishing for it. This is the convo that we had....

Brother's boyfriend (i'll call him brother's bf) (one of my brother's....i'll call him Gaz instead of his real name)
Hi special, nobody except your grandad even cared about Gaz's birthday . He tries so hard and gets nothing in return. I don't mean physical things - just a thank you. X

Special
Hi brother's bf, the reason I didn't send him a message or birthday wish is because i didn't get one from him!! He didn't bother with me and well I don't know about our parents or brother so can't say anything for them, so its not that I didn't care, its the fact he never bothers with me anymore I don't even hear from him unless I bump into him or if I meet grandad.

Brother's boyfriend
Gaz is all about family! You're card waz put in your mums letter box!

Special
I never got it!! If I had got it I would have said thank you to him but I never got a card.

Brother's boyfriend
So who's fault was that?

Special
I asked my parents and they both say nothing came through the door for me!! So??

Brother's boyfriend
So who's lying when I was stood outside down the street as he put it through. Gaz just got home and told me not to bother. That's how god blesses you! you loose your family.

Special
They said nothing came, you say he sent one.....how the hell am i meant to know....everyone lies to me these days i have no one who i can trust!! I'm sick of this!! don't have ago at me for not getting a card of him....there is nothing i can do about that. Me loose my family?? i lost that 10 YEARS ago when i lost my grandma!! so i haven't had a family since she died so you can't say i am loosing it now because i lost that 10 years agos!!

I really believe i lost my family when i lost her....yes i still get upset about her, i still miss her but the truth is SHE was the glue to my family so when she died everything just got worse, especially for me. I was only 10 when she died, she was my best friend and i always talked about her and i used to sneak to my grandparents....i love/d her so much....i used to walk in front of her listening to her shoes make the noise that high heals make even though she wasn't wearing high heals and i used to think "one day i'll be wearing shoes like that and we will walk together when i'm older"....what and idiot i was and still am....

My Grandad would get drunk and call me just to tell me how horrible i was, how she would hate me, how she didn't love me, how it was me who let it all happen and loads of horrible things that really upset me and he had me crying once she was gone....i used to have loads of phone calls with him telling me all this and upsetting me then he stopped and i never saw or heard from him i think 3 years after or longer (not 100% sure). If i was with my parents and we saw him in town he would hurt me, he would grab my arm really tight, twist it, pull me and scream in my face and my parents just stood there and let him do that to me and not care at all. I hated it....i needed him at that time but he wasn't there, he hurt me instead. So few years after i really wanted him in my life still even though he hurt me and i thought he had changed but i was soooooooooo wrong. I went to his after school....i'd go on a saturday again to his spend time with him, try to get to know him more but even that didn't work out well. He told me that he had a girlfriend (not even 12 months after my Grandma was dead) and he wanted me to meet her (well my whole family to meet her) and where did he say to meet him and her?? right in front of my Grandma's GRAVE!! talk about rubbing it into the sores and scars!! It was bad enough that he jumped into bed with someone right after she died let alone having to meet her right in front of my Grandma's grave. so we did meet her which then my saturday's with him meant she was there too, which only bothered me at first but i got used to her and i thought she was ok....untill she hit me in front of my Auntie and Uncle!! My Auntie and Uncle had to hold their tongues a little but my Auntie told her that she wasn't allowed to hit me (at least i had them there and they saw it for themselves so they know i wasn't lying....my Auntie even told me that the reason why she doesn't my grandad's new wife *was girlfriend but they married not long ago* because she hit me and if she saw them that she would make sure they didn't see her so she didn't have to talk to them as she doesn't like them) Well one saturday my grandad really hurt me again but i was in secondry school and wasn't taking anymore abuse....i have had enough abuse to last me a life time and well i ran away from him and her and i hid. Someone i trusted came and told me to meet her and her family somewhere she knew to check on me and see if he made any marks (my grandad had punshed me on my arm about 4 times and twisted my arm round so i ran out the car....he did that because i wasn't taking him on....i didn't want to play his stupid game so i ignored him) Any that person came to check on me and she rang the police and stayed with me and went with me and the policeman to my house where my parents where, my grandad told my parents i had ran off and they couldn't find me and my parents thought i'd head home when he told them i had ran off but come on how stupid would i have been to run home where he would have known i was just to hurt me again?? My mom did try to call me but i ignored it....i don't trust her. Anyway after that things with him just aren't the same and i can't bring myself to tell him that the reason i don't call or text him if i need anything or to talk is becuase i just don't trust him at all and he might be able to forget all that he as done to me but i can't and my skin crawls when i have to meet him....i really hate it but he in my only grandparent left but he knows there is something i'm not telling him....i'm really distant with him which i can't help, i have tried my best but the fact are the facts. He married his girlfriend not long ago no one was invited, they just got married and day after i got a call of him saying to put my dad on the phone and he told my dad he married his girlfriend then told him to put me on the phone and he told me then put the phone down on me my mum went nuts and i needed to get out away from her, so me and my cousin went out.

So from all that....then my brother (the gay one) took his side over mine, me and this brother was sooooooooooooo close and we did a lot of things after grandma died but once Grandad hurt me that was it!! He turned on me and sided with our Grandad and to make matters worse the guy he was with at that time (a different one than who he is with now) told him a load of lies about me and made things up about me to make him hate me even more!! So since then me and him have never been the same!!

And carrying on, after the call of my Grandad....that made my mom and dad upset (it's my dad's dad) and my mom texted my grandad saying he was dead to both her and my dad but looking at my dad that day i could tell that it was upsetting him and he didn't know what to say or do....he did message my Auntie (i was staying with her that night thank God....i don't think i could have handle my mom that night and poor dad had too) He didn't know what to do. He only as his dad left yet my Grandad told him he had to choose between him and my mom and my mom told him he had to choose between her and him!! So both as bad!! My poor dad....so now neither my mom nor dad talk to my grandad and my mom's poison as worked on turning my dad completely against his own dad but i told them i'm staying out of it but they don't listen.

And well my other brother who is only 2 years older than me, well he lost the plot!! Since he as been with his girlfriend...he just hasn't been the same at all!! I have no idea who he is anymore....he isn't the brother i know....he was always good, he told on you if you did something bad, he was the "Angel" who did no wrong....what ever he did i got the blame for it and the beating for it too....but now all he does is lie and lie and lie!! He really is just not the brother i knew and he wrote something that he shouldn't have to a cousin of ours she had turned 15 and he said "sorry i missed your birthday but i was too busy having *you know what* with my girlfriend , everyone was mad at him....i asked him why he put something like that on a 15 year old's wall?? and with angry faces (he would NEVER write anything like that....so it was a shock!!) and all he said back was "F**K you" so ever since i don't talk to him much either, i told him his lies and what he keeps doing isn't acceptable and i can't keep doing this so i don't want to know.

So YES since my Grandma died everything has fallen apart and i have NO family!! She was the ONLY one who cared and loved me....she never hurt me, she tried to protect me, she was my shoulder to cry on and she was the one who held everyone together!! She made my grandad come at Christmas to see us, she never let my Grandad or mom hurt me, she took me places, she took me shopping, she made us who we were and when she died that was it....look how things turned out!! My grandma didn't know how special she was and i bet she didn't know that she was all these things or that she did all these things!! I hate my life and i wish it was over....i'm sick of all this, i'd rather be with her than be here right now!! All this hurt, all this arguements, all this being got at just isn't worth it anymore....i'm getting it from all angles and i'm sick of it!! I want out!!