I am a 41 y/o woman & in a relatively new relationship (8 months) w/a 43 y/o man. I have a history of being cheated on and it has left me with a tremendous difficulty with trust. I obsessively worry that my boyfriend will or might be cheating on me, although he has given me no reason to worry. I do not share w/him the level of insecurity I struggle with & keep most of it to myself or discuss in therapy, unless a concrete situation occurs where I feel threatened or insecure, then I bring it up w/"I" statements & he has been very receptive to talking openly w/me about my concerns. He has a history of being falsely accused of cheating by his previous girlfriends; he has told me he's never cheated and I believe him. His long-term friends support this as well. He has spent periods of time when he was single or dating unsuccessfully and admits to having used porn probably more often than he felt he should during that time, and occasionally uses it now, which I'm fine with, as long as it doesn't get in the way of our sex life, which it hasn't.
We met online & I'm aware that he has had an extensive dating history & has had several relationships, the longest one lasting 2 years. He admits to having some intimacy issues & is actively working on those in therapy & has been for several years before I met him. Things are going really well for us. We have had some rough patches, but through honest, open, real-time communication, we have worked through a lot & are committed to changing dysfunctional patterns we both have from previous relationships & giving this one our all.
All that being said, I had an incident occur this a.m. that I am struggling with. I spent the night at his house last night & he left for work while I was still there. I went into his office to get a piece of paper to leave him a little love note on his pillow. I was absolutely not snooping, and noticed a drawer in his desk that was wide open. In the drawer were 4 pairs of womens' panties in plain sight, none of them mine, different sizes & styles, and all of them had obviously been worn and still had scent on them. I am aware that scents can linger for sometime and am trying hard to give him the benefit of the doubt.
I was so upset & felt like throwing up. I waited a few hours & called him at work & asked him about it. He was mainly embarrassed and ashamed & said he hadn't even thought about them in a very long time & had the drawer open because he was looking for something in there earlier and didn't even notice the panties. Of course, he wondered if I'd been snooping, which I wasn't & tried my best to help him understand the context of my discovery. He was at work, so obviously couldn't get into details, but told me they were "from years ago" and he could explain more later. He sounded upset & kind of angry, wasn't defensive, but admitted he was ashamed & that my call kind of ruined his day, but he understood why I called & why I needed to know. We have since apologized to one another & agreed to talk about it more later.
If he has a kinky side & it isn't interfering w/his or our life negatively, I don't have a problem w/that. I'd just want him to be truthful w/me about it. I wouldn't even have that much of a problem if he's kept old gf's undies as "trophies" or masturbation tools (although, of course I plan to ask him to get rid of them since it makes me uncomfortable & hopefully he doesn't feel the need to hold on to them anymore). My main worry is that he could be cheating or have some sort of internet porn issue & I worry that I'm going to get the wool pulled over my eyes again like I did w/my last boyfriend (who was guilty of both of the above & did a great job of hiding it). I'm a pretty understanding, non-judgemental, non-reactive, compassionate person who prefers to give folks the benefit of the doubt & believes people are innocent until proven guilty, & understand that we all have done things in the past we are not proud of.
I'd appreciate any thoughts, advice, similar testimonials, reframes, or even a reality check if I need it. Help!