|
You're right open, but the more I actually step back and look at them, without putting the blame on myself or making excuses for them, the more I see just how screwed up we were. No wonder I was such a strange kid. No wonder I don't feel like I fit in with the "normal" people. It's becoming more and more clear just how dysfunctional we were. And it's driving me insane. Half the time I feel horrible about it, saddened, than the other half the time I feel so angry.
I never really thought it mattered to my childhood development but it did. It's not ok for a child to continuously watch their parent taking hallucinogenics. It's not ok for a child to be waking up to strange men standing naked in their kitchen, men they had never seen nor would ever see again. It's not normal to be used to your parent with a drink in their hands and without the drink is strange. It's just not normal, it's not healthy. It's not good. I see more and more just why therapists and psychologists are amazed that I am not that way. Because I just felt that it was normal. I didn't see that much of a problem with it. I thought it was ok as long as there was no physical pain, little did I know the problems that would come 20 years later.
Having CPS at your door trying to take you away from your family isn't normal. But perhaps they should have done so.
I know others have had it worse. I could go on for weeks about all of the messed up or dysfunctional things I've seen, and there are some that could go on for months about theirs. And it's just not right. Our parents should have put us first. Perhaps seeing that I was not put first is the reason that I try to put my child first.
Constant drugs, constant alcohol, constant men, abuse, just a list of things I would never dream of exposing my child to, was normal life for me. I'm done making excuses for any of them. It only saddens me because right now, I'm 10 months from my wedding and it looks like my list is about to go from 50 family members to about 10. And considering the fact that I've moved 32 times (and I'm only 25) and will only have about 6 friends there, looks like my side of the wedding is going to be bare.
It's very difficult. Cutting the list, with these new feelings, it's like every day I'm marking off someone. But every day I'm realizing more and more just how much I don't need them in our lives, if it continues to effect us in negative ways...
__________________
I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
|