ACQPL,
I am so sorry to hear about your father and the pain that you are going through now. I am so glad that you posted! You need and deserve to get support! Evan though right now you don't feel like you deserve it.
Honey, it is never too late.Don't waste one more moment of time regretting what you have done-it's past and gone-put those feelings, emotions, love, care into your relationship with your father today. For today love him just like you are doing-and when he is gone, you will know he knew you loved him and you will have good memories. Pleae don't cut yourself. Please keep posting here, find someone to share this stuff with out there-friend, therapist, pastor, whatever and let it out in a healthy way. Do you write? Cry? Sing at the top of your lungs? Run? Do whatever. Forgive yourself. We all have done things to our loved ones that at some point we come to regret. Forgive yourself. Love him, love yourself. I know, easier said than done. But practice for a few sconds at a time. Hang in there. Keep posting. Thank you for sharing.