**trigger for talk of suicidal ideation**

I've been thinking about the places our minds can take us and how scary that can be. I sat an exam on Monday & Tuesday (it was in 2 parts), which went quite well actually. However 3 weeks earlier I felt trapped by the thought that I had to sit this exam, and was intensely suicidal, thinking that it was my only way out, as I believed that failing the exam was an inevitability. I wasn't sleeping properly at the time, and was using those extra awake hours to think about suicide, and was just generally in a bad place.

What changed? Well I reached out for help rather than acted on my thoughts, which was incredibly hard to do as I really wanted to act on them. Even though I've been struggling with intense thoughts of suicide on and off for several months, I still get a monthly prescription which is 4x the lethal dose of that particular med... It would be such an easy thing to do...

Anyway I got some 10mg amitriptyline tablets left over, which are really helpful for getting me to sleep, and the simple act of a few good nights rest buried the intensity of the feelings. From being a deer in the headlights, I could actually pick up my books and do an hour or so of revision a day (not much by anyone's standards, but all I can manage), and somehow that paid off in the exam, making me feel like I could answer the questions (time will tell if I actually answered them correctly!!)

I guess what I'm rambling on about is the big difference in thoughts - from 'I can't sit this exam and would rather die' to 'it's just an exam; just try your best' and it actually scares me that my thinking could have been so skewed and me not to realise. I'm a massive control freak and hate having to rely on others, and so to think that my thinking could be so 'off' is quite terrifying really. If I can't trust myself anymore and I don't trust those around me, then who can I rely on???

Anyway I'm just putting this out there in case if gives someone else pause for thought and to remind myself if (when) the suicidal impulse comes back again that I may not be seeing things clearly. And I guess I'm just reflecting on how scary the whole thing is; to look back and think how logical the decision to end my life seemed at the time



*Willow*