(((Special))),

You have a family that is all about the "WHAT ABOUT ME" soap opera. And the problem with that is THEY CAN ONLY MANAGE TO DO WHAT TOOK PLACE WITH YOU, GET SOMEONE ELSE TO PREACH FOR THEM. Your brother is PLAYING HIS BOYFRIEND'S SYMPATHY and GETTING THE ATTENTION OF "WHAT ABOUT HIM" HE NEEDS FROM THIS BF. The one that is REALLY playing into that game is now THE BOYFRIEND. Yes, it is disfunctional and DO NOT PLAY INTO THAT DISFUNCTION.

Special, you have to grow PAST that toxic behavior that takes place in your family.
Yes, it is crappy, I know, me too, but you have to step back and see it for what it is and all of what you said up in your long post, that is not going to be heard because it is NOT ALL ABOUT YOUR BROTHER it is about YOU.

Special, THIS IS A COMMON PROBLEM IN FAMILIES. It can be all about who can WINE LOUDER THAN EVERYONE ELSE AND NO ONE LISTENS. So what happens is what you go through, YOU FEEL UNIMPORTANT AND INSIGNIFICANT AND UNHEARD. That is the human psychological product of a disfunctional family like this. Spend time reading the questions and emotional struggles of SO MANY HERE AT PC. If you do that you will truely realize YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN HOW YOU THINK AND FEEL.

People DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LISTEN, they OFTEN ONLY LEARN HOW TO "WINE".
People tend to ONLY SEE HOW HARD "THEY" TRY and do not see HOW HARD OTHERS TRY TOO.

Ok, here is an example. I raised my daughter as MY PRIORITY. I gave her lots of love and attention. But while I raised her, I had lots of challenges myself, with health issues a binge alcoholic husband, marriage problems etc. But I always kept up with HER NEEDS and I know I was always concerned about her and loved and listened to her.

Now, I presented with PTSD and that really crippled me and I could not fix all that went wrong. And my daughter was pushing too hard and I did yell at her and lost my temper, but it was really the PTSD that distorted my capacity to keep dealing with so much fall out and loss. And that put a wedge between us and SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW ABOUT ME AND MY PSTD, SHE WAS HURT, THAT IS WHAT SHE KNEW.

Well, I have been in therapy trying to work on this PTSD. And I have been improving, but am still struggling and my family doesn't really get it, my husband is starting to realize what PTSD means and that I can't help it.

But one day when my daughter came home we talked a little and she got upset and she stood in front of me and said, "I was alone and confused in my teens and had no one and I was psychologically abused". Ok, she was very upset and I could she was shaky with anxiety, kind of needing to get that out. Now I am very aware of how much I spoiled her, she really got a lot more than most kids her age and I could have yelled back at her. BUT I DID NOT DO THAT. I allowed her to express HER FEELINGS AND UPSET. And the only thing I said is that I am sorry you feel that way and you should learn why that happened. She said she could not change the past, and I told her she was right, but we need to see the whys and learn from that so we can move forward better. And she didn't say anything and left. But I know her and she thought about what I said.

I thought about her reaction as well and I REALLY TRIED TO PUT MYSELF IN HER SHOES. And I could see that there were things that happened that I could not explain to her at the time and I DID TRY TO NOT SHOW HOW MUCH I WAS SCARED ABOUT WHAT WAS GOING ON BETWEEN ME AND HER FATHER. At the time I did not want to make my issues her problems. But I guess to her, she could sense what was taking place and she felt left out and confused.

So the next time I saw her I said, "I want us to work this out and I do want you to know that I AM WILLING TO ACCEPT WHAT EVER PART I PLAYED THAT CONTRIBUTED TO YOUR FEELINGS THAT YOU HAVE EXPRESSED TO ME". And I also told her that I love her very much.

Now Special, I really did do a lot for her and I really do suffer from PTSD and I am not a mean person. And my daughter could read a book all about PTSD and my struggles, but she will not see it BECAUSE "SHE" IS HURTING TOO.

The reality is that it CAN become a WINING competition. And that would only drive us apart. I have to put MY PTSD ON HOLD AND BE A MOTHER AND "let her talk and LISTEN to what she feels".

I have been a member of PC for a little over a year now and I spent a LOT OF TIME READING AND LISTENING TO OTHERS HERE. And that whole time, I HAVE BEEN LEARNING. And the constant message I hear is "NO ONE LISTENS TO ME". Or, MY MOTHER DOESN'T HEAR ME, I CAN'T TALK TO HER, IT IS ALL ABOUT HER. And I think it is really sad but IT IS A COMMON REALITY.

Yes, I have struggled a lot myself, BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT MOM THAT CANNOT SEE BEYOND HER OWN ISSUES. And my daughter has been going through a lot with her boyfriend, he is a binge alcoholic and she is making a decision that will most likely mean she will leave him. And when it was bad, SHE CAME HOME and I GOT TO BE HER MOM AGAIN, WHY? Because I LISTENED TO HER WHEN SHE EXPRESSED "HER" ANGER.

When we grow up in a family where NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO REALLY STOP, GET OUT OF THEIR OWN ISSUES AND JUST "LISTEN" then NO ONE IS CLOSE AND THERE IS NO REAL FAMILY. And what we learn is that WE ARE NOT IMPORTANT AND NO ONE WILL LISTEN TO US. So we don't know how to LET PEOPLE IN AND MAKE GOOD FRIENDS, HAVE RELATIONSHIPS AND REALLY RELATE TO OTHERS.

And often what is expressed is,Why do i bother?! I'm sick of all this!! I want out!! (could be triggering)

Something to think about.

Why was your grandmother the one that seemed to hold it all together? What did she give to you?
What did she manage to give to everyone that stopped the anger and the whinning?
I wonder if she even talked, I mean really talked about "her" problems?

I bet she was the ONLY ONE THAT GENUINELY LISTENED SO EVERYONE FELT HEARD.

Open Eyes