My family is not close at all. We especially became more estranged after my mom died. Well my brother and sister became closer but estranged from me. They have guilt from making the decision to take my mom off life support knowing i didn't support that. They didn't tell me they were doing it and called me when she was already dying and was going fast. I had to run over to the hospital to try to see her. I asked to be left alone with her and my sister hesitated until i said i'm not going to ask her to hang on. She said ok and left. After that they barely talked to me and my sister had a chip on her shoulder and my brother looked guilty. I finally reached out to them after 2 years and wrote them both letters, i did not get responses. I continued to send emails and i called my brother on his birthday. I get along a little better with him. My sister has a chip on her shoulder and is always angry and wanting to blame people for things. Anyway i went up there (they live 2 states away), this past christmas to stay with my neice for the week of christmas and it did not go well. My neice acted like i was bothering her even though she invited me and we got into an argument over the way she kept yelling at her son for no reason. My sister acted like she wanted us to hang out while i was there (that was on xmas day) Then when i called her the next day she seemed to have forgotten and acted like she had to fit me in to her schedule(and she was on vacation that week). My brother was working and i guess couldn't come by. My neice lived close by to the both of them by the way. My neice doesn't have a car and neither do i so we were stuck in her house and she didn't have enought food and was running out of things and my sister acted like she didn't want to take us to the store, she was complaining about it and didn't want her husband to do it either i could not believe her attitude. I didn't even feel like asking anyone to take me to the train station when i left. I felt disgusted and saddened that i hadn't seen them in almost 5 years and they acted like i was in the way and they had no time for me. I felt right then and there like i had no one. My bf claims to love me but his actions just don't prove it. I feel totally alone. I did call my excoworker who i was friends with and told her i wanted to see all of them but i have not been doing well since i left that job and i was worried about having to answer questions about what i have been doing. I haven't heard back from her. I texted one friend of mine and let her know i was not doing well and she said she wish she had room for me to stay with her. To be honest i don't want to stay with anyone because i have done that before with family and a friend once and i felt like a burden. If i can't have my own space and be able to take care of myself, i rather just not be here. And thats just how i feel. My T tries to tell me that she would be hurt if i took my life and so would my bf and others but even if thats true no one can do anything right now to help me. I'm in pain and no one can help me, all anyone can say is don't kill yourself we will miss you. Really? Then why aren't you doing anything to help me want to stick around!!! THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE POST ITS JUST HOW I FEEL! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO KEEP TELLING ME NOT TO MAKE ANY SUICIDE THREATS EVERYTIME I LOG ON, I AM NOT SAYING I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF I AM JUST EXPRESSING MY PAIN!