Hi Rose,

I really resonate with what you've written there. Sometimes shutting down and switching off and accepting misery (not necessarily consciously) is the only way my anxiety attack/fit stops. I have a sense that my anxiety as well as the lull no one has diagnosed as depression yet are both responses to needs that are predominant within my system at the time. When I am anxious, I am (usually) needing assurance (physical - i.e. hugs, sometimes work - or otherwise) or acceptance.. usually assurance that the positive things I'm feeling are real and will last. On the other hand, on the days where I want to sit and cry, I am usually needing to remove myself from a threatening situation. Rather conversely, a situation where things are working well and smoothly and are seemingly happy creates anxiety for me, because in some ways I feel pressured to keep it that way, to remain perfect and to thereby continue to "deserve" this stuff I normally don't feel like I deserve? And sometimes to get away from the pressure of such happiness, I find myself in a lull where nothing is positive and therefore there are no expectations from me to make it stay positive.

What I'm trying to suggest, if you're amenable to the suggestion, is that sometimes working out the need behind the emotion really helps. I feel compelled to mention here that I am practicing something called Non Violent/Compassionate Communication (or, er, trying to!) which focuses on needs, and in my experience it always helps, but experiences differ, of course. The idea is, though, that when one is in touch with one's needs, one can attempt to meet them. And every feeling is a clue about a need. And it seemed, in your post, that you were sort of hinting that this. And of course all of this sounds all ... clean and neat, but is usually really difficult.

Sorry about the babble.. I really hope these insights that you're currently having about yourself help you figure out things and that things work out.

~Bean