Coming out is a slow process, especially if you are older. Please don't interprete that as an ageist statement. What I mean is that times where different back when you first came out as lesbian. Now, if you say trans, people know what it is. Back then, probably not at all. So, explaining your true feelings was very hard because there were few writings to back you up. And, also, society was much more conservative back then. But, your life is not over and you still have time to fully explore who you are and to be honest with others about it. Chances for successfully getting validation and acceptance are much, much better now.

A while back, I had a lesbian friend "S". She was older than me by about 20 years. We were fairly close friends. Like yourself, she confided in me that she also felt from a young age that she was really a man. She was an out lesbian but it also was not her true personal calling. So, you are not alone. Times were different when you first came out. Please be kind to yourself and, instead of finding blame and frustration, focus on finding and living who you really are. My friend "S" told me that some of her friends also revealed the same feelings. They were friends in a senior citizen organization and some were finally stating their trans feelings - a second coming out in many respects - in their 50's, 60's & 70's.