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I want to die, i dont want to die, im ready to give up, but im not, i want treatment, but i dont, i want to be happy, but i dont.
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It sounds like you are ambivalent.
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i almost think it would be for the best because i do better when i HAVE to do something, rather then told go home and try this. Ya know?
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Because you are ambivalent, it is hard to commit to either side. It is especially hard to commit to not giving up, to getting treatment, to being happy...because these require steady, substantially unsupervised effort.
What if you told us some of the reasons on each side? Reasons to die, to give up, to avoid treatment, to not be happy...
versus...reasons to live, to not give up, to get treatment, to be happy?