Thanks, i'll check it out but i am so broken down and feeling like there is no hope and no options that i don't know how much it will help. I hope it is not to show me pictures of suicide victims to shock me into not doing it because i will freak out, i do not like to see gory pictures, not even fake ones on tv or in the movies. I did watch that documentary about the golden gate bridge where people go to jump to their deaths. I just felt bad for the people that jumped because i know that feeling of this is all i can do, i give up. Its such a horrible thing to feel and i do feel for people who have lost loved ones to suicide because i know i would not want to have to go through that, but on the other hand when you are in such pain and you just want it to stop and no one can make it stop it is very difficult to continue to go on even if people tell you its temporary and things change, you don't believe it, and for me i don't feel i have time to wait around for change. I don't want to live this life i'm living and i have no where to go and no way to really support myself, i do not get enough from disability to live on my own. Right now being in a small apartment with a man who i look at and don't know anymore and who right now disgusts me is just not tolerable for me. And then to have to be harrassed by the people upstairs all day every day is just too much for anyone to take. Plus i'm not well i just went today for my first remicade treatment for crohns disease that was in remission for a few years and has returned and i have fibromyalgia which makes me feel so miserable, and a bunch of other ailments all of them making me feel tired all the time and in pain and i have no energy to do anything. Plus the many meds i take and all of the side effects just doesn't help. I can't even take a nap or relax in peace in my own home. I'm sorry for going on and on but i have no one to vent to. I used to try telling my few friends that i thought i could trust but they were overwhelmed by it all i guess. They would just not even respond and that just hurt me so much. Thats why i distanced myself from people because i felt like i was making them uncomfortable when i talked about what was going on with me and yet i didn't feel like always lying and saying oh everything is great. I think i just scared away my excoworker who wanted to get together because i haven't heard from her yet and i know she had to get my message. I didn't think it was that depressing but then who knows how i sounded being in the state that i'm in. I feel hurt when people either get annoyed and say, well everybody has problems you just have to keep going, or they get quiet and don't respond and then distance themselves from you. I feel like that is not a true friend. Anyway at the hospital today i was sitting in the room alone and i just thought about my life and cried. I didn't have the tv on, i just sat there and thought what am i going to do with myself. I have no idea, i feel i have no options. Stay where i am and risk going insane and maybe blowing up at the people upstairs or my bf or both or ... I won't say it because it will be deleted. I did however order a book about a woman who's fiance kills himself and she then became suicidal and she shares how she got through it. So i guess i am trying to hang in there. I just feel totally alone in this though, and that really sucks. Thanks for letting me let it all out on here and for responding. I really do appreciate it.