(((Oh Purple))),

Your wedding is about you and your bf celebrating your commitment to each other.
It doesn't matter how many people are there, the people that are important are you and your bf.

Your list of fears was a lot like my list last year while I was not doing very well.
But Purple you really ARE progressing and getting stronger. I know that it doesn't feel like it sometimes, but for a while it is up and down, but with therapy and time it will level out more and more. Maybe you should add that you have someone that loves you, you are going to have a happy life and you know how to be a good mother and you are moving forward and doing better.

I know that it is hard to really see the reality of the disfunction in your family. When I had to go visit my dad in the hospital I could REALLY see it all, especially with my older sister. I thought I handled that whole situation really well and I didn't feed into the drama. But it did stir up some very strong emotions and flashbacks. I feel like I slipped backwards to be honest. Actually I was posting to someone else who was struggling and went into a kind of funk where I went on and on and used a lot of caps. Another member critqued my way of posting and I was actually glad she did because it drew my attention back and I hadn't truely realized how what I had just experienced with my own family had effected me mentally that came out in my posting. As hard as it is I think it is better to actually see it so we can work on it and be more aware of how we react in ways we don't realize.

I have a tendancy to over emphasize when I am addressing an OP who is having the same issues as I am. I think with me being back around my family and seeing my sister for the first time in over a year, maybe more, I was definitely affected more than I realized. I am trying very hard to empahsize to myself to be strong and not to play into the disfunction. I really wasn't aware of how bad it was until I saw the disfunction again.

Purple, as long as you become aware and know their behavior is wrong, you CAN choose to grow past them. I think that it can be just a shock to finally become more aware of it consciously in the now. I know, it can be confusing and hard to sort out emotionally. I am still working on that myself, but I can see I am getting stronger and I can see it in you as well. You are only ruined if you allow yourself to continue to be a part of it and not stand up for yourself in the now. I am sure you are like me and was just not really as aware in the past of the amount of disfunction and ignorance that was really there and that is really common Purple.

The reality is Purple that a lot of parents just don't think children are as affected when they see things and they don't know any better. They can take a lot of liberties because they really think that children will just forget. But because YOU know and can remember, you are much more considerate of your own child. Your child will feel safer and fair better because you will do your best to see to that, I did that as well for my daughter.

I think that you are getting to be in the second stage of recovery where I am. You are recognizing the realities and morning them and at the same time you are making peace with yourself as well. The more you keep progressing the less of that list of fears you have will have power as well. Your therapist is right, you have to now make room for the postitives coming into your life, and you as well.

You are getting there.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes