I think I am the only one on PC who doesn't have "parts". I am all wiki...too much so!

Rainbow, I'm responding partly because I am upset; I've spent the last two years in therapy trying to address the damage done by having a mother who couldn't be bothered to listen to my 'boring' stuff, who wanted everyone to be exactly like her and felt she had the right to know everything about everyone close to her, and who had no respect for others' boundaries. But also to try to help you see that what you're talking about and doing is not some innocuous quirk of yours that we should all support you in. You said you wanted to change. You've been through five t's and thirty years of this. If you're serious about changing then please stop fighting your t.
I agree it would be better for me to stop fighting my T. I just get this inertia when I think about my whole situation. It's hard to work on an issue when my T IS the issue. She's right there in front of me and I have to either tell her or cover up the way I feel about her. I choose to tell her so she can help me. That's the way I've been working on it. I know it sounds pathetic, and I agree it's not helpful. So I'm going to listen to her even though I'm angry and sad. I hate her.
Yes, we're all in therapy for a reason. Yes, we all have issues we're working on. But we're WORKING on them and not moaning about how angry and hurt we are that our t's are doing what we said we wanted - helping us to change.

I think a lot of us DO understand how much it HURTS to "give up our dreams" so to speak, when it comes to therapy. Speaking for myself, the ONE thing I've always wanted (and never had) is a mom. I've never spent ONE day of my life knowing what it's like to have a mom-- to have that ONE person who will take care of me, love me unconditionally, and make me the most important person in her life. I spent my childhood, teenage, and young adult years trying to turn every sympathetic teacher who took an interest in me into my "substitute mom." I would invest SO MUCH energy into them-- think they were equally invested in me-- and ultimately end up HEARTBROKEN, DEVASTATED, DESTROYED when I graduated and they disappeared. I couldn't understand how they could just drift away when they knew how much I cared about them & how much I NEEDED them (and I thought they cared just as much about me). When I started therapy with my current T 2 years ago, I started to repeat my pattern with her. (You can find plenty of evidence of this on the fora!) I wanted HER to be my mom. MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THE WORLD. I imagined her reading me bedtime stories, tucking me in, telling me she was proud of me, telling me she would always be there for me, etc. I wrote her a letter telling her some of this and I brought in a sad Kelly Pickler song that she wrote about not having her mom in her life. I wanted so badly for T to hold me and let me cry. But she didn't. Instead, my T acknowledged the way I felt-- told me it was understandable that I would feel that way given my history-- she told she cared about me very much-- BUT SHE WILL NEVER BE MY MOM. And, worse, that I WILL NEVER HAVE A MOM. THAT IS JUST HOW IT IS. NO ONE CAN EVER FILL THAT VOID FOR ME, AND I HAVE TO ACCEPT THAT. It was the hardest thing I have ever, ever had to hear. I left in tears, sobbing, heartbroken. But she was right. I needed that kind of tough love in order to break MY PATTERN. I finally realized that I needed to change and I needed to stop focusing so much on my "impossible" needs-- like "I don't have that, it's not fair!" and "I'm in pain, I need someone to make me feel better!" And, instead, focus on (1) the needs I could get met-- by my friends, my partner, etc. and (2) how I can meet the needs of others and give them what I never had. So, I decided to become a Big Sister (through the Big Brothers Big Sisters Program) for a little 7-year-old girl who doesn't have a mom. While I can't actually be her mom, I can be her "big sister" and give her the kind of love and attention I never got (and never will get). It's too late for me-- at 27-- to go back and get re-parented. But it isn't too late for this 7-year-old girl. At first, I have to admit, I kept thinking "But I want a big sister for myself! I want someone to take care of me! I want someone to meet my needs!" But, after awhile, I realized how GOOD it felt to be able to give that to someone else-- to think about someone else, to meet someone else's needs, etc. And, the more I did those things for her, the less I started to wish someone was doing those things for me. The less I felt I needed T (or someone else) to be my mom and love me and take care of me. I started to see myself AS A MOM (or big sister) as opposed to someone who NEEDED a Mom (or big sister). I also started to see myself as someone who is "part of the solution" for someone else rather than as a "victim" of my own circumstances. Yes, I'm a girl without a mom, yes I was abused by my nanny, etc-- but I'm not that little girl anymore. Now, I'm a competent, generous, and healthy adult who has the capacity to help another little girl grow up in better circumstances because she has me to guide her and love her. Okay... so I know this has been a really long tangent... my point in sharing is just to say that there are some of us out there who DO UNDERSTAND and DO FEEL THAT PAIN and HAVE WANTED T TO BE OUR EVERYTHING... but through hard work-- VERY HARD WORK THAT HURTS AND MAKES US FEEL REJECTED AND MAKES US WANT TO GIVE UP SOMETIMES-- we can overcome our patterns and be better people. Our choosing to be healthy and control our behavior and act in ways that help (rather than hurt) the people in our lives-- is not becuase we hurt any less or we have smaller struggles-- it's because when we told our T we wanted to change we not only meant it, but we put our actions where our words were. Even when it felt like doing so was the most painful thing in the world. But, over time, that pains lessens. It does get easier. But, in the beginning, IT HURTS LIKE HELL. But, once you get through it, you realize what a strong person you are and the process of going through it makes you a better person along the way.

I think expressing your feelings here IS work, rainbow.

Rainbow, start talking to yourself, literally, out loud. When you are driving somewhere alone or in the shower, etc. Get a conversation going so there are "two" of you conversing and you can be for yourself like we are here when you type and like your T is in your head, etc. That's the best way I know to get to know your self, you have to listen to her and talk to her and feel bad when she hurts, etc. Instead of it just being "you" that wants these things, it will be "her" that does and you will be helping her with them.

I've mentioned before about how once I was at work and my fingers got into an argument with my head about who had made a typo? One of them got ugly and started calling the other names and so I got a third me in there; I was doing this all out loud and when the third me got in there, objecting to the name calling (not allowing myself to be a bully or to be bullied, either one!) my coworker friend fell out of her chair laughing.

You have to get that kind of space going in your head and heart so you are all those things you are, at one time, instead of sequentially -- all needy, or all giving, or all other black-and-white/all-or-nothing thinking.

Don't mean to hijack the thread, but I just want to say to scorpiosis that this is one of the most inspirational posts I've read on PC--it hits very much at the issues that I'm in therapy for and am working very hard on right now. (I'm just excerpting a tiny portion, but everything that you wrote is so important.) Thank you so much!