Open, gretta, y'all are so kind for always being there for me, when you dont even know me. If only those in real life would treat us this way. Im supposed to come up with 25 phrases that counter the negative thinking. Ive got 5 and thats it. Im kind of stuck. But i have 5 days till t, hopefully i will come up with more.

Every single day, when i shower, i get in and out as quickly as possible. Panic attacks just from showering. Cant take a bath, doctors orders, and i panic about falling in the shower. I panic waking up, thinking about the day ahead. Its worse when i have nothing to do, i panic about being stuck with my thoughts all day. I panic about panicing, i panic about not going anywhere, but when i have plans i panic about being in the car. Theres no way to avoid my fears, i have to readjust my thinking. But ive had this anxiety for 25 years, it wont happen over night. But i can not live like this, because its not living. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is the only way to get through, but ive made that my life. I have never been able to envision a future, i just havent been able to see past my fears, worrying about these fears and over coming the past, ive never been able to just be. Its a struggle every day just to get through the day.

I didnt realize just how deep i have sunk in this. I thought, considering my past, its a miracle i can put one foot in front of the other. I never expected or even hoped that i could change these things about me. But this is not living. Days where everything goes right and i should be happy, are just as hard as the rest of the days.

Halpiness should come naturally, its just so foriegn to me that when it does, it often scares me. This is no way to live. I have to do something, i just hope t has the answers on what to do