....just the other day and today and yesterday and even tomorow and next week I thought about all the beautiful people and wonderful feelings I left behind me in my borderline destruction and emotional twister of madness that puts me in bandages....
puts me in bed for days...
puts me in psych chairs for months...
puts me in rehabs for years
puts me in cells and chains sometimes
....courtrooms and shame
puts me in really really difficult situations....ones I am emotionally incapable of handling
puts me in addiction self destruction and .....
whatever other crap it's got!

MISSING everybody I have ever loved just kills me before life has even killed the ones I love I fear their absence at it's worst but what about just the daily living knowledge of them I want to die to avoid feeling the loss I cannot handle feeling LOVE....

all I am good at is HATE

and then it's like the two headed viper biting itself in the arse!....stupidly thinking it's the arse but it's the damn head!

....so it's the memories.....most regular people in our modern 'fantasy' world get a few maybe one or two but possibly one....maybe ...?...who knows?

check the borderline existence...?

so many starts and no fullfillment!

so much effort to re-start and no results

each time it gets harder but so does the significance of the purpose but also gets lost is what the hell went wrong it was me surely but crap I don't know lets go again and it's failed...I cannot handle it I am so insecure and no-one knows just how much cos by now it's "take twenty eight" and most suckers give up after 5....screw them they are weak !!

...yeah sure no-ones tougher and nastier than the true borderline !...but is that my identity?

...ouch