I hardly can sit up straight. Just crying. The tears now are oily. Wonder why they change.

Open Eyes - I already got stagnant. I let myself get bad off. It is going to be real hard to reverse this. I keep wanting someone to be here and help me, but I have to do it alone.

I'm being awful and not even appreciating nice things. Like - my youngest sister called me last night and we enjoyed talking to each other. That means the world to me because sometimes I've not heard from her for months. But, lately, she has been calling me back and wanting to talk for more than an hour. Her life is hard, right now, but she is being the nicest to me that she has been in a long while. Usually, I'm happy the next day after I get a phone call like that.

My boyfriend is going away for 3 weeks and he will be with his family all that time and he will be treated lovingly. I could never become a part of his family. I am too weird. I will just keep being here alone. Two siblings of mine will keep being mean and that won't ever change. My nest door neighbor will look down on me and I try to not run in to her. I never before lived in a place where I thought people gossiped about me saying mean things. I guess it's because they see I don't go to work.

I feel so sorry for myself and that is what I'm doing wrong. full of self-pity. caring about nothing but my own distress. I am very selfish and lazy. and lonely and believing that will never change no matter what I might try to do.

but people are nice to post here and I know I am not completely alone. Thank you.