thank you for the kind words, minney.

sigh. I didn't intend any of this thread to be about my H, per se, anything like complaining, griping or gritching or asking for sympathy or trying to make him look like a loser/not like a loser either one. Just about me, my feelings about respect, desire for it, reality of the lack of it (for both justifiable AND unjustifiable reasons).
And I am sorry people are uncomfortable because of the perceived feelings about my H, whatever comes through when I post .... I get the sense people are avoiding reading/responding because of that discomfort. And, in an ironic twist perhaps, I get the feeling there is some bit of respect lost for me because of how I keep portraying/not portraying my attitude/reactions to the story. I only try to be honest, keeping in mind, as my closest friend says, that there is good and bad in him and good and bad in me. I am no flippin' angel here! Nor is he all the devil.

And yeah, I have to keep in mind when posting that he is likely to read what I post (or it's just better to assume that he will, whether I asked him to or not), feeling that because I am not trustworthy, I should have tabs kept on what I am up to. Not that I would be less than honest ... but perhaps more tactful. Hmmm. But then I don't get to vent like I would perhaps need to on occasion .... because I don't want to be 'hurtful' or 'disrespectful'.

But while I am on the topic ..... yeah, he feels he cannot trust me, nor respect me, because I didn't keep my word to stay away from here 100% when he was home. Who cares that I did 95% .... who cares that I only read a few minutes and rarely posted? I still broke my word. As he said to me the other night, do you really think I should still trust you?
I feel like, as long as there is this difference (and others) between us, as long as my values differ on this as well as on some spiritual convictions, there is going to be difficulty in having trust/respect in the fullest.
And as long as he holds on to feelings of betrayal/anger about this (and feelings of the same sort regarding the relationship/attachment with T1) it's going to be difficult for me to have the trust/respect I'd like.

What must I compromise/sacrifice? What should I compromise/sacrifice ... that doesn't require me compromising/sacrificing values that are important to me, or my authenticity as a person, or my integrity as a person?

Integrity and honor are also 2 words I think of when thinking of respect ... wishing I could be (as well as be believed to be) a person of both those things. A friend last year told me I lacked integrity (well, this was in the summer of hell, when I was suicidal, and had taken H's credit card to buy a gun not for hunting deer but for hunting myself - not something I would have done in my right mind).

T2 told me I lacked integrity - but she didn't mean I had bad character. She meant I was not integrated as a person, a whole, both knowing my values and living securely in them.
So - I have come closer to this - but yet further from being seen as a person of integrity in the eyes of my H or the eyes of my church friends/people. How ironic.

Guess I'll have to learn to be content with self-respect (as well as hoping I have the approval of a certain higher spiritual being) and not lose hold of my own integrity/authenticity/values just for the sake of something that can be elusive/illusive like respect of others .....

I don't care if anyone reads this. It was just good for me to think it out and write it out. But if anyone read it and has a helpful perspective to offer me to help me balance out anywhere I may be unbalanced in my reasoning or too emotional about it, I am open to it.

sigh.