You sound so positive and empowered in your first post. Listen to that! Hold it, write about it! You deserve to create the most beautiful joyful life possible, and if drugs and the poly lifestyle no longer mesh with that, then it is okay and probably necessary to let that go. It's okay if you both still love each other. Maybe you can give each other the space needed for you both to grow. Try not to let fear get in the way of manifesting the amazing life you and all of us deserve! Meditation is a great thing for you to be doing; you will connect to the loving consciousness within you.