I don't think you've pushed people away...at least you haven't pushed me away. I suspect that most of the people who post in this forum are either depressed, in remission, or want to help people with depression.

In a forum on depression it is easy to find an audience who will agree with what you are feeling. Read the responses in other threads - there are so many that say, "I'm feeling just like you are"...it's so hard with forums that are not moderated to find people that will be truly empathic...

But do not give up. There is someone in the world who cares about you. There is someone in the world who would miss you terribly if you were gone. There is not now, nor will there ever be, anyone else in the world who is just like you. Find one thing that you can be thankful for, even if it is something as small as having access to a computer, the ability to type, and the awareness that there is someone in the world who is reading your posts.

I am hopeful that it will get better for you. Personally, I have found corresponding with the anonymous (but helpful) folks at www.samaritans.org useful. When I used to journal to myself about depression, I found myself getting deeper into depression. Now when I write to the folks at the samaritans, they ask questions that force me to think.

Best wishes...