Lauru, I am so sorry you are feeling this way! Mixed eps suck!

Please, please hold firm on the not drinking. The last thing you need, especially at such a time, is any lowering of inhibition or increase in impulsivity!

I want to share the following personal experience, hoping you find it helpful. Your post resonated. And so, here goes... I've fairly recently been seriously avoiding drinking and have found it to be a better choice than I had even imagined it could be. Those few times I've caved -- even slightly - every single one produced regret in terms of resulting behavior (been having a hard time lately and let loose things that were most unhelpful to an already overwhelming situation), and the effects to physical and mental states have been negative as well. As mentioned, it's been a rough sled lately, and so much of the time I've desperately wanted what is going on in my head to be, well, different, better, not so damn noisy, unsettled and bouncing all over the place (not mixed, but quite messy). So I hear you -- the temptation is there. BUT I've found that there's what I *imagine* having one will accomplish, and then there's reality. They don't match.

Sending you many thoughts for strength.