I'm falling apart at the seams...

I just don't know what to do with myself or the people around me anymore. I suppose being bipolar, I should understand that I'm going to get depressed, although, this isn't the typical depression. I'm too active and angry. But I keep defaulting back to suicidal thoughts and self-injury.

I thought I had beaten it. I thought I was free of it. But I guess two weeks of success are all meaningless now. Three days ago, I ruined my success with self-injury. Two days ago, I spent an hour seeing how many cuts I could fit on my stomach. One day ago, I spent an hour seeing how many cuts I could fit on my upper legs. And I thought I was feeling better.

Then my dad went all ****ing PMS on me, and my family sided with him, of course. He screamed at me about how my way of thinking was wrong and that I needed to think more like him. He's supposed to try to be understanding. I don't understand why he's like this.

I guess it's my fault anyways. I shouldn't have upset him. And then instead of acting hurt, I acted self-righteous. So I really have no one to blame but myself. But I ended up in the bathroom, staring at the mirror, crying. I contemplated killing myself so many times. I mean, I could have; it would have been too easy. But instead I ended up hugging a towel sobbing uncontrolably. ...It's pitiful that I'm so desperate for someone to just hug me that I turned to a damn towel for support.

I just need some support, but I'm not getting it at home. And that's my fault too. I should trust my parents... right? No. I mean, they always blow things out of proportion and shove my mistakes in my face. I don't have to take all the blame for everything. I don't want to do it anymore. Look, now I'm learning. ...it's summer. I got enough homework as it is.

I have nowhere else to turn but PC. My friends are not allowed to contact me or they have no desire to; my family is... well, they're themselves. They don't understand and they don't want to. They want my problems to be in my head, so that I can fix myself and stop needing a pdoc. But I can't provide that and it's tearing my home apart. I have no way to contact my boyfriend... the only person that's ever made me feel beautiful, and school... Ha! Are you kidding me? Those jerks hate me.

I feel like right now, PC is keeping me clinging to life by a thread. And really, I owe you guys a thanks for that. Because telling myself its going to get better isn't enough to keep me sticking to a life where I don't feel wanted. But here, I feel wanted. It's nice not to be afraid to be honest. So thanks. And sorry for the rant/whine session.