That temazepam was great. I brought the prescription over to my Sig. Other's. Picking it up at the store, I was humming and singing to myself (what I do whenever I feel good - I love songs.) Got to his place and was so upbeat, I scrubbed his bathroom floor for him, which he's not really able to do anymore. I even bought him a new shower curtain and bathroom rug, which I put down. He was pleased.

By next morning, the glow of the temazepam had worn off, and I was back in those old dumps, again. All day Saturday, we got on each other's nerves and were none to pleasant to each other. I kind of think he was worse. So I left and I'm home now. I feel better to be away from him. That's pretty sad.

Tomorrow is Father's day and I don't even want to go over to his place. (He is a father.) If I don't go, it will be the first holiday that I didn't make an effort to spend with him. Also, it will be uncharacteristically mean of me to not be with him on such a day. (His kids are far away. So he would be alone without me there.) I never before left him alone on a holiday, unless it was because I had to work, or something important like that. I am starting to feel that I don't really love him that much any more.

Of course, I've felt that way lots of times . . . and gotten over it . . . hundreds of times. I'm really tired of catering to him, and not feeling that much cared for in return. I know his age and disabilities limit what he can do. But he doesn't even hardly put an arm around me ever anymore, and his right arm is not paralyzed.

I'm worn out with thankless caregiving. (His kids were never all that friendly toward me, either. I'm sick of them all.) I'll probably just watch movies home alone tomorrow. That will be real mean of me . . . to leave him alone. I am even starting to cry, just to think I could be that mean. If I make an excuse that I am feeling sick, then he'll say "Oh that's okay." and he won't even feel bad being on his own. He is not one to get depressed. I admire that in him.

He sure makes it plain that he doesn't admire me. After so many years, it hurts. But it's nothing new.