i can relate to where u are now in the late stages of my alcoholism. what helped me was CBT therapy. i was so terrified of my feelings and emotions. i didn't know how to live in a 'normal' state of mind. i would drink and drink to avoid that pain. then the alcohol became my pain. that not only make me hate myself but i felt the only option to get out of it was not healthy...not mentioning it here.
i decided to get help to face those fears. not easy but i felt safe sitting with my therapist. i also went to AA cause they had learned how to arrest this disease by abstinence. something i didn't know how to do successfully.
using both tools-therapy and AA-i was able to get out of my useless life. i found hope. i found support. i learned new life skills to face my fears and feelings.
none of us deserve a meaningless life. that's part of my story. there is a way out. i was fortunate to find it. you can too.