it is a year to the day since my abuser, my half sisters father, died. it is also the day before my 41st birthday and fathers day here in England.
last year I felt extatic relief that he finally had gone, but also disgust..how dare he ruin my 40th birthday, the first one i had ever been looking forward to.
This year I really don't feel anything, part of me keeps thinking i should be supporting my sis and mum, but these thoughts are instantaneously shot down with thoughts of how they have never been there for me, through all the years of abuse, my own disability or even when my partner died eight years ago, so why should i give a toss about them now, after all they have each other, the extended family and my brother to support them. my sis has her own family too.
i managed to work through the passing of my partner on my own 200 miles away from any family, they didn't even bother to phone once in a while to see how i was. so there is no reason why i should be concerned about them coping or needing my support.
it is really hard because I am usually a very caring person, but think i have been hurt too much by my family to care about them anymore. It is like there are two parts of me, the well rounded one which operates most of the time and the hard hearted bxxch who rears whenever thoughts of my family arise.
good job i haven't seen them in years and the only contact i have is when i get a call to say another member of family has died. i don't even get told about funeral arrangements, so i guess they prefer me to stay away.