Eskie,

Thank you so much for sharing that story, I understand exactly what you mean when you say prayer is difficult for you. Prayer and religion is very difficult for me as well, my dad (when he was around in my life) shoved Christ, Christianity, and Prayer down my throat. He took something beautiful, mysterious, and ones own personal relationship with a higher power and made it scary and ugly for me. I was forced to attend ministry meetings 3 nights a week, "get togethers" in the projects while my dad ministered. I was even forced to be saved and have the "bad" spirits casted from my body, I was 14 and 4 men from the church restrained me while this took place.

I know that was years ago, and by now, I should have found some sort of peace from those horrible experiences with my dad and religion, but I haven't quite opened up yet and still to this day if somebody was to ask me my religious preference (uncomfortably, because of shame) I would say atheist.

I actually have discussed this with my husband and asked him why he considered himself atheist as well. Obvisouly we rarely discuss the topic because just talking about being a non believer puts a fear in the back of my mind, like Christ himself is going to cast me straight to hell for not believing in Him. I think my husband feels the same sort of fear because he will not allow anybody to say the Lords name in vain in our home. His mother is a religious fanatic as well.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your mother and the cancer. I too have experienced this situation and that can truly affect your perspective on religion and God as well. My Grandmother (the woman that has cared for me most of my life) was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and was given 6 months to live. I was heartbroken and terrified and she was as well. I was pregnant with my second baby and I was afraid my Grandmother would have missed seeing her. Fortunately Brooke was born and Grandma was alive and semi conscience of what was going on. I think she held on to life as much as she could so she could meet her, after Brooke was born my Grandmother deteriorated quickly.

I think witnessing her fight for her last breathe and pass away was very traumatic for me. You know in movies, books, and stories you hear that death is peaceful and some what beautiful. Well I immediately realized that it was very untrue, there was no light showing it's way to the heavens above us, her spirit didn't leave her body in a foggy mist, and she didn't smile or laugh as though God was reaching out for her. It was just death.....a cold quiet death.

Of course, although I was not a believer, I prayed for her and told her to not be scared because she was going to be at peace. At the moment I was terrified and was just trying my hardest to keep calm and collected, but I think apart of me believed that she was going to be at peace and would be able to look down on me from the heavens.

Grandma was unable to say anything, but she did squeeze my hand, I think that was her way of saying goodbye to me, that she loves me.....at least that's what I want to believe because it makes the experience tolerable.

I don't think you talking about your experience with you mother was off subject because like I mentioned before it runs hand in hand with religon.

It meant so much to me that you shared this story, it even made me cry a little......lol....don't feel bad, I was just happy that somebody understands, I felt alone there.

Thanks so much Debbie, I really appreciate you sharing this with me.