i had a good chat with my tdoc and she definitely didn't dismiss me as barking up the wrong tree. she was really helpful, actually. i said it felt like lying that i'd not told doctors many of these feelings were constants, and she said that it only seemed like lying to me and that i was giving it a concrete name when really it was something less definable. i also said that it's only now, as i'm beginning to understand myself more, that i'm able to admit to these things.

i always totally dismissed the idea that major surgery could have any effect on my later life, but now, talking to her has made me realise how huge an effect it has had, and how that pervades everything i think, feel and do. it's only looking at it like this that i begin to understand feelings i've always had but have denied because i knew that people would find them bizarre. things i've always known i'm supposed to feel and haven't felt, and that i've denied lack of to everyone, including myself. things that make me squirm that i've never admitted to because i thought i was being pathetic. it's only now i can see my life in a bit more perspective that i realise just how dysfunctional my life in terms of thoughts and feelings has been so far, and how little of it is explained by my being bipolar. merely because these things are ALWAYS there, although exacerbated by episodes, they never really go away. also she reminded me that denying these things, including to myself, is not necessarily lying, but you know, to me it feels like lying.

she didn't say yay or nay but she did ask what a diagnosis would do, for me, and i said "you know, it would be helpful if all these things that i feel and think, that are all over the shop, could be placed in a little basket, and i could say: those are the things about me that are odd, they are in that basket, they are contained in it, and they are there for x reason, whereas at the moment it feels like things are wrong/skewed in so many of my thoughts and feelings that i have no grasp of them"

i'm seeing her in 2 weeks and we'll talk further. i'm not going to mention anything to the pdoc yet, because this is a huge thing for me, it's stuff i've never admitted to anyone and that i've always thought people will think i'm making it up, or that they'll think i'm being ridiculous. but she didn't dismiss it, and she said that in many ways it does make sense. i think when we talk again we can make things more clear.,