Hello MyFathersGirl,

Thanks. And yea, it's possible my therapist meant that since I am now a adult the things that happened in my past can't happen exactly like that today. And that's true, my mom can't have me admitted no questions asked anymore. Not to say she didn't try.

As for the flashback, it's true they don't physically hurt me, but the nightmares do. I have woken up many times hurting exactly where I was hurt in the nightmares. I have woken up with pulled muscles, bruises and even cuts. Messes with your head wondering how a nightmare can manifest physical injuries. But it happens to me all the time.

With suicide, your right, my friends Pam, DJ and Sandra who are now in spirit. gave me a message about me trying to take my life back. They were refering to a overdose on March 7th 2011. I had pills in my hand but was fighting for control of my arm to put the pills in my mouth. It was like there was someone with holding my wrist pulling it away from me. I managed to only get 6 vicodin before being taken to the hospital. Anyway, the message from them was:

They (in unison) want you to know why they had to leave/die. It was because their Soul Contract with you (and others in physical form) had been fulfilled. For you, they were meant to let you know what family feels like...what unconditional love feels like (as you mentioned). It sounds cruel that they should leave you after providing that, but it was for the purpose of allowing you to summon that same feeling within yourself. As they put it, "We gave you all the tools you need, now it is time for you to use them". They also want you to know they will be there every step of the way and have been since their crossing over. They want you to know that if you try to exit early, they will use all of their influence over you and others to prevent that from happening. They say you are more evolved and stronger than you can imagine. Others in Spirit whom I've channeled have said this same thing to their "listeners" and they say this to you as well....that if you could see in yourself what they see, you'd be in awe. Your highest purpose from their exit forward is to self nurture...to find love of self. They say you are so giving when you put your mind to it. They say they have nothing further to say except "We love you!".

So both Pam, DJ and Sandra, as well as my other Guardian Angels have been responcible all these years for my attepts to take my life for them to fail in some weird way. Either the attempt doesn't work, people are put in my way, or I am found before I could die. But always stopped. Which in one way I am happy for as if I had died I never would have met my current girlfriend. But at the same time I was angry because I really want to leave and have some peace. But apparently there is more for me to do before I can go home to Heaven.

Even when I was hospitalized back in March, there were 4 people in the hospital I ended up helping. I always end up where someone needs help. My guardian angels told me that yea I needed help thus was hospitalized, but it was arranged for me to go to that particular hospital to be able to help those there. So I know I still have work to do. But that doesn't make the pain any less.

The one comfort I do have is knowing this is my last lifetime. So when I am done here all my future "life work" will be in spirit. Maybe being someone's Guardian Angel or something. My last lifetime I died in 1968 of disentary and malaria in a Vietnam prison. Which is what I think influenced the PTSD. That the psych ward mirrored a prison in many ways. Just a guess anyway.

And my guides do make sure I have what I need to be alright. They don't make me rich or anything like that, but when I need money, it suddenly comes in when it's needed. When I needed a car, the mans for a new car came my way. They make sure I have what I need while I am here. And for that I am greatful. But there have been many nights in tears begging them to let me come home. Though not so many nights these days. However the depression and urge to die persists. Sucks. Thanks for taking time to reply with your thoughts and encouragement. Means a lot. **hugs**

-Stanley