Why do you think he is not? They haven't had the benefit of therapy as you have. Their parents were not a whole lot different from them, didn't teach them this stuff. As your father said, he doesn't "mean" to hurt you, that's not his intent, he's trying to figure stuff out in his own life before he dies, just like all of us are and sounds like he's got some pretty bizarre stuff.

You like philosophy; have you ever thought of your father, so against your relationship, and his love of flowers/growing things? You think his father allowed him to garden when he was growing up? Can you imagine that? If you go back to see him, and I hope you will, can you ask him about some of his stories, learn what your grandparents were like and his life was like when he was growing up?

My stepmother's mother didn't know how to drive, learned as an adult (since cars were "new" back turn of the century; she married in 1913) and, apparently, wasn't very good at it. My stepmother says she and her brothers would duck down in their seats so their friends would not see them with her. Think how thoughtless/hurtful that must have felt to the mother, their not wanting to be seen with her? Certainly does not help a mother's self-esteem to not be wanted by her children?

I don't think I think of things enough from the other person's possible perspective. I remember my shock when my therapist mildly pointed out that I was not all ease of use and biddable child? Some of the things that hurt or shamed me as a child had to have been much worse for my stepmother as she could understand them; part of my pain was caused by my own actions and my misunderstanding! I did embarrassing and thoughtless things and then was hurt and embarrassed but tried to blame the adult/setup of the situation or my ignorance.

Hey, it was all me and just plain dumb to take a bunch of different colored, permanent markers and polka dot my face with them! That I got two college girls in trouble, who were supposed to be watching me (but had other children to watch too) and upset them and made my poor mother have to soothe them and explain she understood and then have to walk around with a polka dotted face; that's not someone else's fault!

I don't think any relationship is easy, and the parental one evolves more than any other. We start at the beginning and grow, the 20 years or so we are with them are just about change; we don't change that much in the next 20 years, just our roles do!

I think because we are changing, growing, learning, etc. we see the rest of the world as moving; kind of like happened with me over the weekend, when I was in a docked boat but the boat next to us started to back out of its bearth, it looked/felt like we were moving! But when we're growing, doing our first 20 years, our parents are doing their second 20 and are more "set" in who they are, how they relate, etc.

Their roles change, they have mates and children, work at jobs, get promotions, etc. and have to adjust to those roles but "they" do not change as much as we are changing. So, there are bound to be difficulties. We cannot begin to understand them because we haven't been at their age yet; the older one gets and the more roles one tries out, the better one is able to think about and understand what another may have been going through at "this" sort of time.

I would keep your relationship with your parents if you can; I would look at it as an opportunity for you and your learning about yourself and the world around you. You won't get another chance to interact with your father, to try things out you think of that might work with communication, to "practice" interacting with people who are reminded of your philosophy interests while looking at flowers their father did not allow them to cultivate? Weird things go on inside people's heads Surely you know that is true for you and that your father has not learned to not blurt out what's going on in his but leave out the references, that happens. My loving husband's favorite refrain with me is, "I don't hear any nouns!" Imagine that for a moment, what it might be like for him to try to converse with me, LOL