I know I'm gonna have to email T. I need to chill first. My first thought is I want to tell her to go f@@k herself, I guess because my feeling of shame has been triggered.

I f@@king told her before what I told her that my fear that stops me telling her the crazy thoughts in my head is beause she will make me face the reality of the situation in a harsh sharp way. Then she says, do I do that? no but...and so I tell her and well f@@k me she might as well just slapped me.

aaarrrghhh!