Well, I made it through my visit back home to my family in another state. it was great to see my neices. And things were ok with my dad. He was pushing it on father's day though trying to boss me around saying to drive their car. I had a rental and I didn't want to drive his car. I finally told him point blank "Shut Up! You WERE the boss of me. Now I am the boss of me! And I am going to drive my rental car."
So that was a very positive event. Not planned, but it is what it is.

I get to see my T on Tuesday. I need to see him. I found out something very bad about my mom's health that I never would have thought because she has always been the healthy one in the family. She didn't want to tell me over the phone so she waited until I was down there so she could tell me in person. She would not have even done that but my brother heard her talking to her doctor and freaked out. Mom was afraid my brother would tell me and she made him promise to let her be the one to tell me. So she did.

I didn't cry at all or anything while down there. I think I emotionally just went numb. When I got into the car to go to the airport though I found myself crying a little. I then made myself ground because I was dissociating too much. Then the emotions all went back down into nothing. I see them down there and feel them. I feel very sad and angry at the same time. This should be happening to my father, not my mother. it is not "fair" ... and it makes me feel anger I think... I think that is the emotion.... I can sense it but don't want to feel it.
I really just wish I could go curl up on my T's lap the way I would curl up on my brother's lap when I was very little ... and I felt so safe there.
In fact, my brother spent a whole lot of time this trip hugging me on the couch and showing me he was there for me without saying a word. That brother is the middle one and has no kids. I think he would have rocked it out as a T. I know he would have. My T reminds me a lot of that brother.

Well, I got to go do laundry and rest some. Feel the emotions trying to come up but don't want to face them just yet. It feels like my entire world just cracked open. But also a calmness and very mature feeling of knowing a peace that is beyond just one lifetime. Anyway, just wanted to let you all know I am home and missed you guys tons.