Thank you for letting me know you care. I know people on here are suffering and i have to stop taking it personal when my posts are not responded to right away or not at all. I shouldn't feel like its that i am pushing them away too, i guess that is depression. You feel like everyone is against you. It is very hard to open yourself up and not get a response especially to people you think are close to you. People that are not suicidal really don't understand. There are many people with depression that don't get to that point and don't understand it. And some people with depression are able to function and work and others can't. I have friends and family that will say they are also depressed and maybe even on meds but they are functioning and they are not distancing themselves from people and they are not thinking about ending their life. And they don't give me the support i need, in fact they make me feel bad for not being able to cope with life situations. One time an ex therapist told me that another of her clients had worse things going on in her life than i did and she still was able to get up and do what she needed to do and she didn't ever think of suicide. Needless to say i don't see her anymore. That just wasn't helpful. I do feel guilt sometimes about that though when i hear about people going through horrific situations and they are still optimistic. I feel like an idiot and like i'm really abnormal. I don't know why i am like this, why i think that death is the only answer, ive been feeling like that since about age 12. I have always thought it would be better not to be here. Like i said before it is a daily struggle the get through the day. Its a miserable way to live. My T also suggested i write down what i'm grateful for. I am grateful for alot and i do pray and thank god everyday for what he gives me and does for me and then i apologize for not being content with what i have and ask for forgiveness and help to change my ways. Again i don't know why i'm this way and i wish i wasn't. Thank you so much for letting me know you care it really does help.