I'm fed up with everything. What is the meaning of life? I'm feeling so depressed lately and 1 thing after another just keeps happening

why
why me
i didnt do anything

more and more lately i just want to end it all, i wanna burn and cut myself, i want to go back to smoking, i wanna drink again

i wanna rip my skin off my muscles

i have a box of laxatives i bought last week because i had constipation from ibs but managed to pass it and now i still have them unused, i want to eat them all and wash myself of all this tension inside me and i need to lose weight