I'm glad you posted. You arn't alone in those feelings. I've had them all before. I miss the blood too, and like you that was never why I started hurting myself. I'm glad you have something to focus on and look forward to. It was also the small things that kept me alive, like one person talking to me in an entire day. I didn't want to kill myself and have them feeling guilty for not noticing how depressed I've been, thinking that maybe if they had said or done something there would have been a different outcome. With effort, things will get better though. Just keep setting goals and you'll make it through this.