OK so I've said this before in another thread, but I thought that my sessions with T were going pretty well. I have been seeing her for around 15 mos. now.
Then, today I walked in and was quiet and didn't know how to begin. This is how our sessions usually start, with me staying silent and staring into a corner, until finally I dredge up the energy/courage to actually say something. I have told her before that I get very anxious and nervous before session, so today when I was silent at the beginning of our session, she asked me why it was so hard for me to talk (she asks this question often). Then she asked me if I still got nervous before session and I told her yes, she asked me why, etc. etc. I felt like perhaps she was trying to get me to talk about our relationship, that maybe this has something to do with the reason I get so nervous before session. I mean, she didn't say that but I felt she was insinuating it.
Then after all these questions, she asked if I would like to try bi-weekly sessions. I was SO surprised when she suggested this, because my T is CBT oriented and focuses on EDs. True, we have kind of moved on from this method awhile ago (we still talk about my eating/weight but not exclusively, maybe only like 5 mins. at most per session), but still, I didn't even think she offered bi-weekly sessions.
I didn't even say anything for like 10 minutes, I was so surprised and confused. I guess I felt like we had a routine going and she threw me for a loop. She told me that she feels like we could explore more things and that there are things we touch on but never get very deeply into or don't mention again. She also said that she thinks it would help our connection, like maybe I won't get so nervous before session if I see her more and am more used to talking to her. I email her probably once a week, and she said that I say a lot in my emails that we never get to talk about, and then I asked her if it was because I email too much (like she is offering me extra sessions to keep me from emailing?) but the answer to that was no. She also said it wasn't because I am too troubled or anything like that, but that it might help me more. She asked me if there were times when I wished that our sessions went longer or that we saw each other more than once a week or if I wished that we could talk about more things.

I didn't know how to answer this. I said that I had thought about it once or twice but never seriously. The reason I didn't know how to answer is that, yes, I would love to see her twice a week. I honestly just enjoy being in her presence, and I think about her all the time. But I am scared that if I jump on the opportunity to go to bi-weekly sessions she will know how much I like her. I like her so much that I don't want to show her how much I do. I would just feel weird asking to see her twice a week, even though she was the one that offered it. I feel weird being overjoyed at going to therapy twice weekly, but I would really like to see her that often.
And then also there is the money issue. She doesn't accept insurance, so I pay out-of-pocket and then my insurance company send me a check. THey cover 80%, but her fee is pretty expensive. Like I don't want to be spending my entire month's paycheck on therapy (oh did I mention I'm still unemployed and looking for work). SO then after I left session I started to get mad at her for offering twice weekly sessions when she knows I am stressed about money. Even if my insurance company continues to reimburse me, I am still paying out of pocket and have to wait a couple weeks before the insurance check comes. There was one time when she made a comment which completely triggered me and I accused her of only caring about money. We talked through it, but she knows I am nervous about money, so I don't know why she would offer bi-weekly sessions when she knows this. She also knows that my insurance pays for a good bit of her fee, because she asked me once how I was paying for therapy; she sounded concerned about it, and she said she hoped my insurance was paying for most of it because she knows I'm worried about financial things. SO she did mention that today, as though if my insurance paid for most/I could afford it, then it shouldn't be a problem financially, but it is. So I am worried that if I start going bi-weekly, I might have to eventually cut to once weekly and that will majorly mess me up more than before. So yeah, I started to get mad and feeling like I Should just quit all together, as though if I don't have the money for twice weekly I should just not go at all. And plus, I thought I was doing fairly well. Besides the nervousness and silence in the beginning, I didn't think I was doing badly.
Basically I feel that I would love to see her more often, but I just feel confused now. And I guess a part of me feels flattered, like if she wants to see me twice weekly then she must not hate me. The cynic/doubter in me of course was telling me that she just wanted more money and was low on clients, I know that sounds really mean, but it did come into my mind. We are also not going to see each other for almost the entire month of July b/c I am going on vacay and then so is she, so she said that when I come back we might have a lot to talk about and we could schedule two sessions for the week I come back. But she said it is completely up to me. I don't know how I feel about this new development. We really didn't even get to talk about anything because I was so surprised and feeling a lot of things and so I stayed quiet for a lot of session. What do you guys think?