Hello everyone. I've been reading many posts about PTSD and Abuse Survivors. It has been a comfort to me, thank you. Tonight has been a rough one for me because it is storming severely (in fact, the power went out when I tried to post this earlier - so this is my second attempt!) I'm now extremely terrified by loud noises. To make matters worse, just before the storm, someone had and accident in front of my house and two tires blew - sounded like gunshots to me. It's now 2 a.m. and if I sleep, there will be nightmares. So here I am.
Here's what's going on, in a nutshell... I was married to a man who struggled with mental illness most of his adult life. His mother had committed suicide, his sister had attempted suicide, and he had also attempted several times before he finally succeeded this past Christmas at the age of 36. I loved him desperately at one time, but as the years went by I became afraid of him, too. He became unpredictable and violent and suddenly I became afraid that he wouldn't just kill himself, but me, too - and possible the kids. I finally left him in January of '05, which began a solid year of living in fear. I slept with a baseball bat every night, convinced he was coming to kill me when he found me. What I can't understand the most is how I could love and fear him at the same time. I guess it was because I always blamed the "illness" for his actions, and not the man, even though it was the man who refused to get help and stopped taking his meds.
Although I wasn't there to hear the gunshot I'd been fearing for so many years, I still "think" I hear it all the time. In the thunder, or any loud noise. A car backfired on the highway once recently and I started to cry. And the nightmares can be awful.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for, or why I'm posting. I guess I just want someone to understand.
Thanks for reading.
C.