don't worry, you're going to be fine. searching through your past to try to uncover if your capable or developing into or something is not helpful, and ultimately meaningless. it's a fruitless search. it's scary, these thoughts, but you have nothing to worry about. you're going to be fine. you're really into your head right now, and these thoughts drive you deeper into your head. try to occupy your mind with stuff. if you do over time you can get away from the obsession they are causing.

you're right in the middle of something that's going to pass over, as most bad things that happen to you will. it will get better, maybe not completely better, but better. it sucks man. you just want to shutdown. i urge you though stop searching for answers. don't believe there's something wrong with you. go about your business the best you can.

you're going to be fine.

share this with your therapist. in my experience it helps, and they should know how to deal with it. don't be afraid. they will understand this stuff happens.