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Hi all. I have written on this great forum a few times about my problems with my therapist. If you feel like it, please see my prior posts (they are all regarding the same T).
To sum it up, I’ve been in therapy over a year with the same T. At times she's helpful, at others she's completely insensitive and horrible.
We sure have had our issues, but the first time I wrote on this forum I was concerned, because she literally would not let me talk about certain issues. For example, I have a dear friend who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. The T listened to me some when I tried to talk about my fears and horror at my friend's situation, but then said we “should be talking about other things, like your job situation.” What? I was completely stunned!
She’s done this on a number of occasions. I wanted to talk about a dying friend, and she thought we should be talking about something else?! She did this on a number of issues I wanted to discuss. If it sounds hard to believe – unfortunately, it’s true.
So, I sent her an email telling her I was frustrated with my inability to talk about some really important issues, that it was my dime, that I thought she could be terribly insensitive, etc. I asked her to please be honest, and was there some countertransference issue I wasn't aware of, to make her have some sort of offensive reaction to me ? (or maybe she's just an awful person?).
We talked about the email in our next session, and she tried to tell me that she can only justify certain things to the insurance company. So, the insurance company won't "allow" her to discuss my feelings, ways I might handle and cope with things like terminal illness, my own potential illness, and deep family issues? What the hell am I missing here folks?
We agreed to try for a few more sessions, and things seemed to change for the better. This was great, because while she can be difficult and insensitive, she can also be amazingly insightful and helpful. It’s like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Please refer to my first post for a more detailed explanation, if you wish. I never know when I walk in that room who will show up on the other side. It's frightening, actually.
Well, things had been going well. I recently got a mammogram, but they found an ‘area of concern,’ and want me to go back for more testing. I wanted to tell my T how nervous I was, and she totally blew me off. “What, are we going to talk about this all session?” Those were her exact words! I expected, and had every right to expect, something along the lines of a response consisting of "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That must be really difficult to deal with - can you tell me about what you're afraid of?" But instead, I got a verbal slap in the face, and a strangely punishing one at that? "What, do you want to spend the whole session talking about this?"
Yes, you clod, I DO! I had every right, but she shut me down.
I could not believe anyone – especially a therapist – could be that insensitive.
I told her I needed to talk about it, that I was worried sick, and she simply said worrying would do me no good, and oh my, what if I’m really sick and will have to go thru all these horrible tests, etc. She said, “is that what you want to worry about? If you don’t have anything to worry about yet, why worry.”
I think I could have gotten more compassion from a gumball machine.
I also have a very long-standing family issue that has affected me for years (one sibling, while full of nasty habits, is seen as the perfect child). I saw my family recently, and told her that I can’t handle how my older parents see my sibling as the perfect child, while I’m the one all along who has been there for them, but yet is seriously underappreciated.
My T actually said, “so, what do you want me to say about this? This is no different than any other family, and unfortunately we can’t pick our families. You aren’t here to talk about this kind of thing, but rather how you see the world, and how things affect you.”
That is precisely what I was trying to do! So, she seems to have this amazingly profound “list” of what I can and can’t talk about?! What in God’s name kind of therapy is this person administering?! She then said it seems “we are looking for a problem as we talk to each other.” Oh, so now I'm wasting her time. Nice impression to give to a client. I'm wasting her time. Sometimes, she actually will look awat at the floor and take a deep breath, as if she cannot stand to listen to me one more second (God, why the hell am I still seeing and PAYING this person?!)
I DO have issues, I DO have problems, and yet she intimates I’m not allowed to talk about them! Unreal. She then asks if I’d ever go into group therapy. What? No, I’m not going into group therapy. I see her in private practice, my issues are no one’s business. and I'm not about to enter into a group. Why on earth would you see someone, tell them their problems aren’t “worth” your time, and then recommend group therapy? She then said “it seems to me these problems could be talked about with a social worker.” Wow.
What an unbelievable, unprofessional, horrid human being! There is no other way to put it, and that’s how I feel. Since when is terminal illness, my own potential health problems, and serious, long-term family strife not the stuff of therapy?! Am I missing something here, or is she a total nutcase? I didn't think a therapist could ever pick and choose the subject matter at hand!
I thought my email helped that I wrote to her, but here I am again, trying to “justify” the problems in my life. I am paying her to do her job – where on earth does she get the justification to tell me my issues aren’t worth talking about?! I think I have come to the conclusion she is more damaging, and a waste of my time, than anything else. How destructive, to tell a client who is looking to you for help, that “what, you’re not going to talk about this the whole session, are you?” Her exact words when I told her I was worried sick about getting a mammogram recall letter. She then told me that normal women don’t worry like this. My GYN showed me understanding, and said “of course a woman in your position will be worried.” I told my T thisk, and she repeated "your worry is not normal." Ugh. I know of not one woman, who gets a letter like that, who isn't worried. And I was being kept awake at night, or in a panic, but I DID want to talk about the possibilities!
I think I will tell her all the above, and stop going. I am just at a total loss for words. I’m furious, angry, and digusted!!
Am I missing something here, or would you all walk out as well?! I’d like to tell her exactly how I feel before I do, though.
And if learning to cope and handle issues like terminal illness, family strife, and one’s own mortality isn’t fair fodder for therapy, what in the hell is? I didn’t think a therapist had a right to tell a client they “can’t” talk about something?! And how awful to try to pawn me off in a group, and then when I say "No," she tries to then say a social worker could talk to me.
Nice therapy! That's the way to make your clients see things differently, and make them feel better. My God.
Anyway, any of your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you guys for your support!
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