Not this past January but the January before that is when i had a traumatic event occur.
My mother has been ill since i was born, that December her lifelong struggle of Depression worsened and she admitted herself to the psych ward of the local hospital for suicidal thoughts and idealizing.
Then a few weeks later (she was let out after a week) as i was getting ready for school i hear my dad screaming, and i walk in and see her lifeless body on her bed. My dad smacked her, to try and wake her, and ran to the phone. I stood there in the doorway.....I was so confused and felt blank.
Then the panic attack kicked in so i ran to our back door. I thought she was dead. The one night i didnt kiss her and say goodnight. Then i saw the ambulance coming, the men rushed to get her on the stretcher and take her away. I just stood there, i couldnt do anything, i couldnt say anything.
I shook for an hour.
I went to the hospital and saw her hooked up to all these machines- everyone hopeless- but she was still alive. She overdosed on her mental medications....she tried to kill herself.
She is still ill to this day, but shes here.
I dont know if that is traumatic or not.....so i dont know if its possible i have it.
But I have noticed that it has affected me. Everytime she is sleeping, i check to see if her belly is moving up and down, sometimes if im standing at the doorway and the slightest memory arises i get a panic attack, I cant stand it when people talk and joke about suicide, i cant sleep or concentrate, im always jumpy, and i have a hard time getting close to people because im afraid they will leave me.
I was 14, but anyways im not sure if this is PTSD or if its just my panic disorder/anxiety disorder/depression.
Please and thanks for just reading, even more for any thoughts (: