MissCath - in answer to your question, I feel like you describe - a lot. I have not successfully reconciled these feelings. Sometimes, I think I am becoming less successful, as I get older. I truly hear you. We have some parallels. My own personal hunch is that loneliness lies at the back of a lot of it. That hunch hasn't led me to a solution. I can think one up, theoretically, but I don't do so well, in practice.

I devoted myself to a man I fell in love with a long time ago - a man who is much older than I am. I am, at times, his caretaker. He's gone from treating me like the girl of his dreams to like a niece he is vaguely fond of. I find it heart breaking, at times. I feel like I am being depleted by giving and not getting much back. A father is different, but not altogether. You are giving. He is not well enough to give much back. Hopefully, you felt well loved by him, at one time. Maybe, or maybe not. It can feel like the life is getting sucked out of you.

Also, when you are with someone needing caretaking, you can't socialize like you would if you were with someone well. I'm not great at socializing, but my opportunities are, also, reduced by my situation, as I believe yours are.

In any way that we can have meaningful contact with peers, we improve our lives. Caregiving is not reciprocal interaction.

I'm sorry about your back pain. That, indeed, makes everything else hard to tackle. You can't possibly feel well.

That depression and anxiety come together has certainly been my experience. They've been called two sides of the same coin. I know that, for me, one feeds into the other. Depression for me can be an escape from anxiety - fear and worry over what you don't know a solution for. It is very, very hard.

I have found my family ties dwindling. I never had children. My sibs seem to become more distant as time goes by. Then I did move far from everyone, which didn't help. I thought it was a temporary move to attend a school, and here I still am. I'm glad you feel close to your sister, though fear of losing her has caused you great anxiety.