Hi, I feel for your situation. I’ve been there. You asked for advice, so I’m going to share. I hope this helps you.

If I read this right, the father of your 4-yr-old is a cold, manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive, racist homophobe who can’t be trusted with your kids, took nude photos of you without your permission, attempted suicide in front of his own child, and tells you he’s seeing not one but two therapists, and is being super nice. That right? Based on that and your statements that you think you want to fix things and stay with this person, here’s my advice, for what it’s worth:

1. Make sure he’s seeing a counselor. Manipulators will tell you anything to get back into your home, your bed and your life. Ask to attend a session. Any therapist worth 2c will allow this and will understand why you asked for it. And yes, your ex should pay for it. If he refuses, that’s a big sign that he’s probably lying.

2. Meet with the therapist alone and tell him or her your concerns about this guy. Ask when he started therapy and how often he attends therapy. You have a right to answers if you are “waiting around” for this guy to get better, which it sounds like you’re doing. If the therapist won't meet with you alone, ask the same questions in a session with the two of you and the therapist.

3. Clarify what your mum meant by saying he might do something “silly” with the kids. Is she saying he might be careless and let them ride a bike without a helmet, or is she concerned about something bigger, like emotional, physical, or sexual abuse or--G-d Forbid-- murder-suicide? Sometimes others see/sense things we don’t see. What does she mean here?

4. Ask him what he did with the nude photos of you. Did he share them with anybody? Did he put them on the internet?? BTW it's not uncommon for men to snap photos of us to enjoy when we aren't around (you know what I mean). Women feel it's disrespectful, but some men mean it as a compliment to take photos of our naked bums while we're asleep. Much depends on what he did with them and whether or not he knew it would offend you. I never assume I'm on the same page with someone who has a penis...it could be totally innocent (or he could be a perv)...

5. Ask the court to appoint someone to supervise visits between him and the 4-year-old. A court-appointed person is trained to recognize inappropriate behaviors that you could miss. Plus that provides distance between you and your ex, and it sounds like that might not be a bad idea. Plus, your 4-year-old will understand that s/he sees Daddy only when Mum isn't there, rather than creating an illusion of the two of you as a couple which will be painful for that child later if things don't work out.

You could, alternatively, have the therapist he's seeing supervise the visits. This could help him understand how to be emotionally supportive. In other words, hands-on training. Some therapists will do this while others won't. If he grew up in a terrible family situation it's possible he just doesn't know how to be, because he had such poor examples of parenting himself.

6. Speaking of distance: I wouldn’t invite him over, I definitely wouldn’t sleep with him, and I wouldn’t have any conversations with him unless it’s about the 4-year-old. If you have “business as usual” what motivation does he have to change? You aren’t married after all. You don’t owe him anything. Be very careful of this cause it's easy in a moment of loneliness to have him around. If he becomes a household "fixture" the kids get attached and then it's even harder to break up if it comes down to that.

7. I would date other men. I would live my life. If he becomes a changed man who merits a spot in your life, then you might or might not be available. If he doesn’t, then you have gotten your life back on track, rather than waiting on him and being “stuck.” Refusing to be in any type of relationship will motivate him to continue therapy. Refusing to be “on hold” for him will let you live your life, which you should do anyway.

8. Continue the above until you have a meeting with the therapist in which the therapist either recommends a couples counsellor, or agrees to counsel the two of you together. You can’t just jump back in life with this guy and assume he’s “cured” after X number of sessions. Plus, you have past behaviors that can trigger one another and before you know it, you're back in the same stinking situation but this time the kids are older and now you're breaking up a family, not just leaving your man.

9. Don't count on him changing. Maybe he can and will, but I wouldn't bet the farm on him...reread #7...

BTW, I’m curious why you wonder if he's mentally ill? You say he's manipulative, cold, lacks empathy, is controlling, is a racist homophobe and lacks the adult self-control that would stop a man from attempting suicide in the first place, let alone in front of his own baby. Matching up those behaviors with a “diagnosis” won’t make those behaviors "ok,” right? Nor make it your job to be more understanding or wait in hopes he will be “cured,” right? Whether he’s mentally ill or just a self-entitled jerk doesn’t matter. It’s his behaviors that matter.

Believe me, I empathize with you. He’s your much-loved oldest child’s dad and you want that to be a positive thing. You’ve left baby daddy #2 and now baby daddy #1 looks appealing. You might be feeling a little dependent and needy, and who could fault you for wanting a family with a mum and a dad to parent these two babies? However, none of those things make it OK to deprive yourself of a healthy relationship with a man who respects you and your kids and knows how to be a loving, supportive adult. You don’t owe this guy a thing. You owe yourself and your kids everything. Be careful. Be strong. And don’t settle for less than what you and your babies deserve! That’s my advice.

Anne