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PurpleFlyingMonkeys · Jun 20, 2012, 05:22 PM

Thank you lydia, you really do sound similar to me... I'm sorry... That was a part joke, part serious

I haven't often heard people speak about the fan thing, but boy can I relate. To almost any noise similar, air conditioning units, just a constant like somewhat quiet noise, turns into music or even sometimes sounds like others talking to eachother, but in a distance where I can't make out what is being said. But it almost always sounds like the noise morphs into something else. My paranoia is different as well. I'm not paranoid necessarily of one specific person, it's mostly of what I don't know, people I don't know. When my paranoia is peaking, I'm afraid though of the general population, feeling as if they are watching me taking notes, that I'm a guinea pig basically. But I fear strangers, kind of like people I don't know want to hurt me, I get the shadow thing ALL the time, it happens so much I ignore it now.

I think a lot of my t's kind of hesitate to believe the schizophrenia, and a lot of t's don't want to believe the DID because my appearance, and even the way I carry myself wouldn't make anyone think I was at all emotionally ill, but I'm a master at disguises. I know to keep my mouth shut when I need to. But I'm a lot more than the way I carry myself.

I don't really care what they call it at this point, I care more that these troubling symptoms get taken care of. Problem is now my t has said something that really concerns me.

While he said he and my pdoc are 100% sure I have DID, when I mention my symptoms that sound like schizophrenia, he states that if I were schizophrenic I would have to be on meds for life. Antipsychotics do the opposite to me, they make me psychotic. Not to mention now after today he's put quite a bit of pressure on me to prove I'm not schizophrenic, while there is a good possibility I were. The last thing I want in therapy in this sense is to upset my doctors, that's common right? Well today he said "If you were schizophrenic I'd be p*ssed". Now I just don't know. He is a good doctor. Heck when I had no way to go into his office and I was struggling from being kept up all night long by the internal voices, he came to my apartment for a last minute appointment, because I was doing so badly. But the pressure to prove I'm not something I very well could be is upsetting to me. Not to mention discouraging that he so blantantly admits something I couldn't help would upset him. Maybe I'm just being a baby about it. He's a really good t and has helped tremendously on many of my troubles already, but the comment today kind of was like a punch in the gut for me