thanks, everyone, for the very helpful answers. you all raised good points.

scorpio, you're right. I really do already know the answer. But part of the deal is I don't find myself as willing as I ought to be to change this particular behavior ... and that in itself is irritating/distressing to me. I keep thinking, ok, if I really AM an honest person (that is, if I know what is right and what my values are, then I should be willing to be authentic/true in keeping to them) then why am I am resisting what would be the most honest course here - when I know I can damage myself emotionally by being false to my own values (never mind the potential spiritual judgment, though I think of that too!)? I think this relates to the self-sabotage thread - I suspect I am setting myself up, violating my own code of conduct and waiting for the emotional hammer from the superego to drop on me!

stopdog - those are good questions to consider. I don't technically think it's hurting anyone or causing anyone else to lose anything of value - unless you count me and my sense of self-respect, I might be in danger of robbing myself of that. In one sense, I justify myself here because I think of it as something that gets something for my kids - that they benefit. But I am aware it's a fairly flimsy justification, really. Part of me just wishes I didn't have to worry about it being wrong, or that others wouldn't consider it wrong, so I wouldn't have to feel guilty or dishonest! (you see, I am no angel .... )

blur - labeling myself and being perfectionistic in some ways are strong tendencies of mine, I know it. The thing about intellectual honesty vs emotional honesty ... boy, that is a GOOD one! That one makes me think ....

SAWE - you raise a good point too. Puts me in mind of the Pharisees that made Jesus so disgusted .... pathologically religious, all about legality and being perfect in obedience, but without love and honesty of spirit, judgment without mercy! (hope this does not violate anything here, I don't intend to get into a religious discussion or trigger anyone, just making a point) There is a path of moderation/balance that is good .... so that one does not become overly proud of their morality, which makes it almost NOT morality at all ... honesty that is cruel/angry/brutal is not honesty so much as it is unkindness.

Snuffy - what can I say. You've got me dead to rights. I just love philosophical knots and escaping into abstraction. I am a thinker so much more than I am a doer - except when it comes to exercise (which is my blessed relief/release FROM thinking so damn much). I complicate matters by philosophizing/analyzing where it would be better to simplify by simply doing, doing the work to change a behavior ..... analyzing why I am unwilling to change a certain spiritually/emotionally harmful behavior instead of just deciding to become willing and change it!

I am odd .... I know it.