In October, my 95%friend, 5%former short-term lover is coming for a short visit from Europe. He is a p-doc. I've known him for 25 years. Let us call him D. D. talks with me regularly over Skype. I would love to resume the sexual relationship with him. Actually, when I did have a sexual relationship with D. back in 1996, prior to my recently ended marriage, it was like toying, I did not really care, because I was deeply in love with an older married guy, who loved me but did not want to cheat on his wife even though they had a sexless marriage. So I was pre-occupied by this relationship with the older guy and did not pay much attention to sex. Now I am ready to pay attention. It has been three years since my sexual relations with my ex-husband stopped. I still would love to have them more than anything else, but I accepted that it is not an option, and sexual relations with D. are clearly a second-best preference, because he is kind and would not hurt my feelings, because I have warm feelings towards him and because we have so much in common. I would feel 100% safe with him and I want to give him a lot of pleasure.

He sometimes gives me compliments over Skype, i.e. refers to my hair poetically or tells me I am beautiful. I do not tell him that his compliments are the only ones I get in years. My ex-husband speaks very openly about how I have lost my looks. And the mirror seconds my ex-husband, not D.

Once D. noticed that I have gained weight. His opinion on weight-gain inducing meds is - patients need to diet. As we all painfully know, this is easier said than done.

Many many years ago D. was madly in love with me. When we had this brief period of having sex, he was sure I would marry him. For me, again, it was a complete nothing.

Then much later he married but the marriage did not work out due to his wife's greed (money issues). They have long separated and he is thinking of filing for divorce. So he is basically available.

Over Skype, he says "kiss you" at the end of the conversation emphatically.

This is about all.

It seems to me that had I not been that fat (and even my face is fat), given his prior attraction and my current feelings and enthusiasm, we would have rekindled love making and had a very good time.

My question is - to what extent is being fat a killer, to what extent is it off-putting? D. remembers me in bed in top shape - that was before diagnosis and meds and plus I was young with fast metabolism. He himself is in good shape. But he understands what meds can do for you. I am just not sure that understanding it intellectually would help "forgive" me in terms of fueling his desire.

How bad is it? I see overweight people on this board being married and in relationships, so it must be OK at least sometimes. Is it because you were ALREADY in a sexual relationship when you started gaining weight? Has anyone ENTERED a sexual relationship BEING fat? And now sorry for the graphic details: how does being fat color your sex life? Do you try to hide your body under bed covers? Do you focus on genitalia at the expense of touching the rest of the body? Or do you celebrate life with all the pounds or kgs it is giving you at the moment?

I will go to the gym now that my new job pays for it, and that should help some, but I am being realistic - sometimes meds do not let you lose weight, and it might become my case.

Sometimes I wonder, given how close we are, how wise and kind he is, whether I should tell him outright without playing games or waiting how the situation unfolds itself that I would love to repeat the experience of 1996, making it infinitely better, but I am embarrassed by my fat body and afraid that it puts him off.

OK, gotta go for a walk now. Thanks for reading and hope to hear some good advice!!