Don't you have a therapist, tinkerbell? Maybe I'm mixing things up ... but if you're working with someone, please stop what you're doing on your own and resume with your T. Digging in the past is dangerous work, forget sad and emotional. You need serious, professional, and continuing support, gal!! That way you won't just think about past events that still reach out and affect your present--with your T right there, you'll be able to start doing work on them to lessen their negative impact on you today.
Roadie