I used to cut in 6th grade, but i stopped when my mother found out and yelled at me, which ended up making me feel even worse, but i did stop.

But my depression and panic attacks have gotten so bad......every time i have a panic attack i hate myself, im so angry with my self....so the other day, i had one and i was so mad after calming down amidst my tears i grabbed my razor and attacked my upper arm and shoulder.

I felt so guilty afterwards, and i had never done it so deep i was scared, but somehow proud i punished myself, and somehow also felt relief.

Im just worried, i wont be able to control it again, that was the first time since 6th grade....i mean i would take scolding hot showers to feel the pain, or "accidently" burn myself cooking or ironing, because i PROMISED i wouldnt cut, but still needed an outlet......and i never break promises.

Im just really upset i did. And worse i went swimming, and my cousin and sister noticed, but they just thought it was cause i fell into my desk (which is what i told them), i dont think they are suspicious at all.

At least i hope not.

I just dont know what to think or what to do.... :/

I was on a rollarcoaster, then when i stopped i was at the top- now am i rolling down again?