I agree with Yoda, but the bottom line is you were a victim of abuse. And I would call this sexual abuse as well.

What you are discribing here is what the majority of abuse victims discrbe and often cannot understand WHY they gave in. I am one of them and so I know through therapy that this is very common and what I did was not my fault. I just learned how to be a victim. And these abusers are VERY good at intimidating their victims into submission. It is only after we are well away from that situation that we can begin to see it more clearly. But it does present the confused feelings that you are expressing here.

You need to find a therapist to help you to work through this, it will take time and is not something you can really do on your own.

I hope that helps you, you are not alone, the number of people that become victims of abuse is very high.

(((Gentle supportive and understanding hugs)))
Open Eyes